Infidelity and Flap Jacks

When I spend time on the treadmill at the gym there is a multitude of daytime television options for me to view on the wall of flat screen televisions. Most are boring reruns of soap operas or pointless debates on Judge Joe Brown. However, there is the lucky occasion where Maury Povich is broadcast to entertain us as we run. (Side note: isn’t it weird how we can laugh at how stupid a hamster is for running on a wheel for so long and then we will go to the gym to run on a treadmill with the exact same look on our face as the hamster?) It should be noted here that I did not have my headphones plugged into the mechanism that would allow me to listen to the Maury broadcast, but, as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. In this instance, I am not sure I wanted to hear what was going on during the show. The title of this episode was “Sex Decoys and Lie Detectors.” At the point that I looked at the screen I saw a woman in tears a then a few shots of her husband in low lighting, followed by Maury poking, prodding and taunting the weeping woman with a spatula. The woman was crying and holding her head while Maury smiled and seemed to gesture some sort of lifting and flipping motion. At this point I was so excited I was sprinting. When the man came out the woman slapped him across the face and Maury seemed to scold him while keeping the spatula in hand. I am not sure whether the spatula was used while the man was cheating on his wife or if Maury had just finished with a cooking segment and had forgotten to put the spatula down. Nevertheless, that was the fastest twenty minutes I have spent on a treadmill.

Subway Series Part 2: Movin’ on up, to the South Side

After a long three days of sandwich artistry (they don’t enjoy abstract art as much as you would think) the owner of all of the local area Subways asked me to come speak with him. Was I being fired already? It was too early for a promotion, right? In broken English the boss told me “You are a very hard worker, and you seem to have caught on to everything quickly.” I felt honored and eager to hear what was in store for such a hard working and naturally gifted sandwich artist. He told me “Our Crestwood store is having trouble dealing with the lunch crowd and I think they need someone with your work ethic to help out over there, I am transferring you to that store.” I felt a sense of elation, the kind typically reserved for an artist that perfectly folds a double stacked cold cut trio with all the toppings and no spillage. I was on top of the sandwich world.

I told some of my coworkers, whom I had grown so close to over the last few days, about my new fortune. After talking to a few coworkers it became obvious that they had also been spoken to and the only reason I was selected to be transfered was because I was the only employee that had a car. Nonetheless, for those of you who don’t know, Crestwood is the Paris of sandwich artistry, and working at the Subway near the railroad tracks would be like painting while sitting right in the Louvre. I had been awarded the chance to drive 20 extra minutes round trip everyday and practice my craft  in the sandwich capital of Kentiucky with no increase in pay! I was living the sandwich dream.

Thoughts

• Why can I reheat almost any gourmet meal in my microwave by just putting on a plate and in the microwave, yet to cook hot pockets I have to use a futuristic cardboard sleeve to protect this scientifically engineered snack.
• They say there is no guide to parenting, if you are concerned about being an inexperienced parent, buy an HP Deskjet printer, it misbehaves, has an attitude, throws fits, must be monitored at all times, and occasionally acts out by printing a document with black text in bright red.
• As disconcerting as it is that the bottle must remind me that my olive oil has never had sex, how is some of the oil “extra” virgin? Has it never even had thoughts of other olive oils? Has it taken a vow of celibacy?
• It’s strange that the human body is the most complex thing any of us own, but almost anyone can make a human being with the stuff they have around the house, most anyone can create the most complex thing we know but only a select few can correctly install a printer (see above).
• When I stand in a normal upright position my head is directly above my heels, so, why is someone said to be “head over heels” about someone, wouldn’t  that just mean they were standing normally?
• Is it possible to be tired of having too much energy?
• Is there anyone braver than the person who first decided to squeeze a cows utter and drink the stuff that came out? Except perhaps the person who saw an egg come out of a chickens backside and thought a couple of those would make a great breakfast.
• The Scripps National Spelling Bee allows contestants from Canada to enter, is it possible the people running the competition have never had to give the definition of national?

Subway Series Part 1: If The Glove Don’t Fit, You Must Quit

The Subway series will be a three part series chronicling my short two week stint and unforeseen rise through the ranks of the national sandwich chain Subway. This is part one, a look back on my initial integration into the sandwich conglomerate.

Stories From A Dorm Room Bathroom

#2 Playlist

One of the many joys of spending a year using a common bathroom, shared by upwards of 20 male college students, is learning the bathroom habits of your peers. Some young men would venture into the stalls with copies of the school newspaper, some with textbooks to try to fill their heads as they empty their bowels. But the growth of new technologies, has inevitably crept into the bathroom habits of adolescent males. On the rarest of occasions students would take iPods with them into the bathrooms, perhaps for motivation. One day, I meandered into the restroom as a result of a few too many cherry limeades. As I entered the bathroom I heard a faint melodic tone. As I grew more intruiged and drew closer I began to recognize the familiar tune. Like a dog tracking a criminal I had pinpointed the stall from which the music blared out of an iPod. Just then, the chorus of the song rang out “ooo that smell, can’t ya smell that smell? Oo that smell…” to answer the question Lynyrd Skynyrd had posed: yes I could. I stood there, trying to aim the dispersion of recycled Cherry Limeade as I was shaking trying to contain my laughter. On the way back to my room I wondered if this gentleman had formulated certain playlists for his various bodily functions.

Late Night Surprise

The second tale begins when I came back to my room one night at around 11:00 at night. My roommate had his rather large girlfriend over and they were enjoying a romantic dinner from Arby’s. I stepped outside the room to make a phone call and then continued on to the bathroom all of the guys on the hall share to brush my teeth before I tried to force myself to sleep through the compilation of curly fries and roast beef being devoured while Peewee’s playhouse reruns (their favorite show) rang out in the night. I finished my phone call and continued on to the bathroom where I was greeted by the horrendous moans and groans of a poor soul seemingly trying to pass an entire honey baked ham into the toilet. I stood, trying to brush while wondering how long it would take for the hazmat crew to clean up the inevitable mess in this stall. After a few moments the gasseous expulsions, occasional splashes and shouts of strain and discomfort almost became overwhelming. But, just as I was about to forgo my dental health in favor of respiratory relief, I heard a flush. As the stall door flew open I peeked up to see the reflection of the perpetrator in the mirror. To my astonishment, my roommates girlfriend exited the stall (in the men’s bathroom) with a sense of pride on her face, not only did she prove she could she hang with the big boys, this was Annika Sorenstam winning the Masters. I continued to brush, curious to know if that porcelain demon spawn had gone down in the single flush, for 3-4 more minutes hoping she would leave shortly after and I would not have to try to keep a straight face when I saw her in my room. I have not eaten Arby’s since this momentus night.

Books I Would Like To See Written

1. A Tail of Two Kitties- The story of 2 Siamese kittens chasing their single tail. It was the best of times, but when the cats went in opposite directions, it was the worst of times.
2. The Tardy Boys- The story of 2 consistently late detectives, showing up just as the crime is solved
3. Left Behind 27: Dude, I Slept Through The Apocalypse
4. To Kill Two Mockingbirds With One Stone- A southern attorney learns to become more efficient.
5. Hairy Potter- A moment-to-moment account of Robin Williams trying to make a clay vase.
6. The Art of War: As Told by Dr. Seuss (or Dr. Tzuess)
7. Lord of the Zipper Flies- The memior of the tailor who made Reuben Studdards pants.
8. The Cowardly Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe- Oz takes on Narnia. Spoiler Alert: The Cowardly Lion gets courage from the Wizard and goes Mane to Mane with Asland!
9. The Slightly Below Average Gatsby- An underachieving brother of a millionaire is continually fired from low level jobs, because not everyone will grow up to be great.

Lyrics I Misunderstood

We all misunderstand lyrics from time to time and often sing them for years not knowing our mistakes. Here are a few of the mistakes I have made while trying to interpret lyrics:

5 Best Products of 2008

5. The Snuggie

I am strongly in favor of anything that keeps you warm while making you look like a sith lord. The only way that this product could improve was if the woman in the picture was using a lightsaber bookmark. What could be a better idea than combining the fashion styles of Tibetan monks while giving you the breezy feeling you get from hospital gowns. This is a can’t miss product.

4. Urine Gone

The name is very deceiving, not only does it remove urine stains, it also works on feces, blood and saliva. Not just for pets either, it’s great for people accidents. Is there a better product out there for covering up a murder? Anyone needing 24oz. of product to clean up all sorts of blood, saliva, feces and urine should probably be reported to the authorities, or buy some depends and band-aids. If you are like me you are probably asking yourself: Would this work the way you would think if you gave it to your dog, cat, or child? The answer, the website doesn’t say no so maybe! Plus, they come in wipes if you really want to get hands on!

3. Hands Free Toilet Flusher

Because twisting for a courtesy flush is just so uncomfortable.

2. The Hillary Nutcracker

I think the picture really says it all.

1. Anything I Sell!

Goochy Stuff

Funny Book Stuff

Nothing like a little self-promotion

More Marketing Magic

The “Magic Jack” is back on the advertising scene on my local television channels. My first post made notice of the incredible phraseology the Magic Jack advertisers used including “free local and long distance for only $19.95 a year.” The new commercials feature this same phrase and more. There are other great lines such as”for $39.95 a year you get the Magic Jack and you get the first year of free long distance and only $19.95 for optional years.” First, I have no idea what free means anymore. Second, what is an optional year? I would understand if this had said “additional years” but “optional years” makes me feel like you get to pick 5 of the next 8 years to get your free long distance at such a cheap cost. Mind boggling.

Personally, my favorite new phrase is as follows: “The first year is absolutely free with no payments for the first 30 days.” The advertisers have begun altering not just the meaning of our words, such as free, but they have begun to mess with the time continum. Is it possible the Magic Jack is so much fun that you will make a year’s worth of phone calls in 30 days? How quickly will I age if I were to purchase the Magic Jack? Since the Magic Jack has found a way to some how cram a year’s worth of phone excitment into 30 days, if I never use my phone will I ever grow older? If I use the *69 call back feature many times can I go back in time? The possibilities here are endless.

To quote Jacobin Mugato of Zoolander fame “Doesn’t anyone else realize this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!”

How to Get to the White House

The first step to getting to the White House is to take the following quiz:

Do about half of the people you meet believe you will lead to the downfall of America?  Y  N

Do the other half of the people you meet believe every word you say, regardless of its validity?  Y  N

Are you able to lie effectively about your plans for the future?  Y  N

Can you easily convince people that another person is a demonic spawn?  Y  N

Do you look trustworthy?  Y  N

Are you able to aimlessly ramble for 30+ minutes without answering the question at hand?  Y  N

Do you find it morally acceptable to pay off another person’s friends to destroy their character? Y  N

Do you love America?  Y  N

Do you make your love of your country painfully obvious to anyone you talk to?  Y  N

Do you have a friend (regardless of intelligence or qualifications) with influence in a swing state?  Y  N

If you answered yes to all of the following continue to section 1, if you answered no to any of the following skip ahead to section 2

Section 1

Congratulations, you have the qualifications necessary to become President of the United States. The first step you will need to take, invest in a morally reprehensible company in order to make enough money to run for United States Senate. After a few grueling sessions in the Senate and you can begin throwing your name around at your party’s national convention. After you spend a few national conventions building your name recognition you are ready for your first presidential primary run. This will probably be a failure, but after your 2nd or 3rd try at it you may actually win the primary and get/have to run for President. This is a one time opportunity, after you lose the first time, repeated attempts make you seem Nader-ish, very unappealing to all but 1% of America. However, your chance at the White House is not over. If you become devious enough, and are able to lie and cheat well enough, then you may be considered as a vice-presidential candidate. You won’t technically get to live in the White House but you can pretty much go over every super bowl Sunday, plus you are one “accident” away from living there yourself.

Section 2

I am sorry but you do not seem to have the qualifications to become President of the United States. But, you are still in luck. Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin have both broken new ground for women in politics and have now made it plausible that you can become a first spouse if you are male or female. Women, look for a man who measures well on the quiz above, the marriage will be miserable until that fateful day when you become the first lady. If this doesn’t work, are you opposed to having  an affair with the world’s most powerful man? For men, look for women who seem charming but will stab anyone in the back, also required, the love of pant suits.