The Father of All Paternity Tests

Typically, I try not to consume too many daytime talk shows. I don’t usually watch the Maury Povich show since it is typically just a large woman yelling at a tiny little man about how he was a dead beat dad and he responds by shouting that it is not his kid (typically with much worse grammar). Maury then opens an envelope and reveals to the world whether or not this tiny man is the large woman’s “baby’s daddy.” Maury has become famous for his dramatic paternity test shows where he reveals the father of a child to the promiscuous parents.

It is also rare that I find something that seems so intriguing to me that I am afraid to change the channel for fear that I may miss something. However, as I was searching for something to distract me from starting any sort of productivity this morning, I saw the Maury Povich show. As I was about to change the channel I read the title. This intrigued me, so much so that I had to stay tuned for the rest of the show.

Two Stories, One Narrative

By using some gender neutral pronouns and vague wording I am going to attempt to tell two different stories using the same lines of narrative and simply rearranging the lines:

How to Gain Respect on the Golf Course (Without Practice)

The golf course can be a very tricky place for any number of reasons. It is a sport very rich in prestige and tradition. And odds are, you are about to embarrass yourself once you set foot on that finely trimmed grass. Playing golf well commands a high level of respect from both your friends and spectators. A straight, long drive can take a seemingly overweight, alcohol swilling, cigar smoking man and turn him into an elite athlete (i.e. John Daly).

Little Red Riding-Hood (Told Through Lyrics From Songs off My Ipod)

Here is the story of Little Red Riding-Hood told using only lyrics from popular songs I have on my Ipod. Check the footnote corresponding to the number by the lyrics for the song and artist.

How to Find a Date

There are many places where it people can find dates these days, but few are proficient enough to successfully find dates in these various forums. Today, we are going to examine these different scenarios and hopefully show you how to become more successful in all facets of dating.

How to Gain Power at Work

Power is the ability to influence the choices of others and to direct the attainment of goals sought by yourself and others. There are many different philosophies on how to gain power in the workplace. Thousands of books have been written on the subject. These books are written by people in power positions, they do not want you to really have any power. These people want you to waste your time trying things like “Become genuinely interested in people” and “smile.” These are simply tactics that make you feel empowered but allow the people who currently dominate society to continue to dominate. So here is my tested and proven way to gain this sought after power.

5 People I Would Invite To A Dinner Party (Dead or Alive)

I have been asked many times who I would invite to a dinner party if I could invite 5 people from any time period in the history of the world. After some thought here are my 5 invitees in no particular order (and a few honorable mentions)

Social Behavior Guide

This is a guide for people who may be lacking social skills or are simply looking to improve their ability to communicate in various social situations.

Barack or The Rock?

Upon recently watching the movie “Walking Tall” starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and seeing a news excerpt of Barack O’bama shortly after I came to an eerie realization. Now I was, at first, not able to base this on any fact other than simple voice recognition; but after more research I believe that Barack O’bama is The Rock, he simply puts on a suit of muscle much like the one Weird Al Yankovic dawns here: