Subway Series Part 2: Movin’ on up, to the South Side

After a long three days of sandwich artistry (they don’t enjoy abstract art as much as you would think) the owner of all of the local area Subways asked me to come speak with him. Was I being fired already? It was too early for a promotion, right? In broken English the boss told me “You are a very hard worker, and you seem to have caught on to everything quickly.” I felt honored and eager to hear what was in store for such a hard working and naturally gifted sandwich artist. He told me “Our Crestwood store is having trouble dealing with the lunch crowd and I think they need someone with your work ethic to help out over there, I am transferring you to that store.” I felt a sense of elation, the kind typically reserved for an artist that perfectly folds a double stacked cold cut trio with all the toppings and no spillage. I was on top of the sandwich world.

I told some of my coworkers, whom I had grown so close to over the last few days, about my new fortune. After talking to a few coworkers it became obvious that they had also been spoken to and the only reason I was selected to be transfered was because I was the only employee that had a car. Nonetheless, for those of you who don’t know, Crestwood is the Paris of sandwich artistry, and working at the Subway near the railroad tracks would be like painting while sitting right in the Louvre. I had been awarded the chance to drive 20 extra minutes round trip everyday and practice my craft  in the sandwich capital of Kentiucky with no increase in pay! I was living the sandwich dream.

Thoughts

• Why can I reheat almost any gourmet meal in my microwave by just putting on a plate and in the microwave, yet to cook hot pockets I have to use a futuristic cardboard sleeve to protect this scientifically engineered snack.
• They say there is no guide to parenting, if you are concerned about being an inexperienced parent, buy an HP Deskjet printer, it misbehaves, has an attitude, throws fits, must be monitored at all times, and occasionally acts out by printing a document with black text in bright red.
• As disconcerting as it is that the bottle must remind me that my olive oil has never had sex, how is some of the oil “extra” virgin? Has it never even had thoughts of other olive oils? Has it taken a vow of celibacy?
• It’s strange that the human body is the most complex thing any of us own, but almost anyone can make a human being with the stuff they have around the house, most anyone can create the most complex thing we know but only a select few can correctly install a printer (see above).
• When I stand in a normal upright position my head is directly above my heels, so, why is someone said to be “head over heels” about someone, wouldn’t  that just mean they were standing normally?
• Is it possible to be tired of having too much energy?
• Is there anyone braver than the person who first decided to squeeze a cows utter and drink the stuff that came out? Except perhaps the person who saw an egg come out of a chickens backside and thought a couple of those would make a great breakfast.
• The Scripps National Spelling Bee allows contestants from Canada to enter, is it possible the people running the competition have never had to give the definition of national?

Books I Would Like To See Written

1. A Tail of Two Kitties- The story of 2 Siamese kittens chasing their single tail. It was the best of times, but when the cats went in opposite directions, it was the worst of times.
2. The Tardy Boys- The story of 2 consistently late detectives, showing up just as the crime is solved
3. Left Behind 27: Dude, I Slept Through The Apocalypse
4. To Kill Two Mockingbirds With One Stone- A southern attorney learns to become more efficient.
5. Hairy Potter- A moment-to-moment account of Robin Williams trying to make a clay vase.
6. The Art of War: As Told by Dr. Seuss (or Dr. Tzuess)
7. Lord of the Zipper Flies- The memior of the tailor who made Reuben Studdards pants.
8. The Cowardly Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe- Oz takes on Narnia. Spoiler Alert: The Cowardly Lion gets courage from the Wizard and goes Mane to Mane with Asland!
9. The Slightly Below Average Gatsby- An underachieving brother of a millionaire is continually fired from low level jobs, because not everyone will grow up to be great.

Lyrics I Misunderstood

We all misunderstand lyrics from time to time and often sing them for years not knowing our mistakes. Here are a few of the mistakes I have made while trying to interpret lyrics:

5 Best Products of 2008

5. The Snuggie

I am strongly in favor of anything that keeps you warm while making you look like a sith lord. The only way that this product could improve was if the woman in the picture was using a lightsaber bookmark. What could be a better idea than combining the fashion styles of Tibetan monks while giving you the breezy feeling you get from hospital gowns. This is a can’t miss product.

4. Urine Gone

The name is very deceiving, not only does it remove urine stains, it also works on feces, blood and saliva. Not just for pets either, it’s great for people accidents. Is there a better product out there for covering up a murder? Anyone needing 24oz. of product to clean up all sorts of blood, saliva, feces and urine should probably be reported to the authorities, or buy some depends and band-aids. If you are like me you are probably asking yourself: Would this work the way you would think if you gave it to your dog, cat, or child? The answer, the website doesn’t say no so maybe! Plus, they come in wipes if you really want to get hands on!

3. Hands Free Toilet Flusher

Because twisting for a courtesy flush is just so uncomfortable.

2. The Hillary Nutcracker

I think the picture really says it all.

1. Anything I Sell!

Goochy Stuff

Funny Book Stuff

Nothing like a little self-promotion

More Marketing Magic

The “Magic Jack” is back on the advertising scene on my local television channels. My first post made notice of the incredible phraseology the Magic Jack advertisers used including “free local and long distance for only $19.95 a year.” The new commercials feature this same phrase and more. There are other great lines such as”for $39.95 a year you get the Magic Jack and you get the first year of free long distance and only $19.95 for optional years.” First, I have no idea what free means anymore. Second, what is an optional year? I would understand if this had said “additional years” but “optional years” makes me feel like you get to pick 5 of the next 8 years to get your free long distance at such a cheap cost. Mind boggling.

Personally, my favorite new phrase is as follows: “The first year is absolutely free with no payments for the first 30 days.” The advertisers have begun altering not just the meaning of our words, such as free, but they have begun to mess with the time continum. Is it possible the Magic Jack is so much fun that you will make a year’s worth of phone calls in 30 days? How quickly will I age if I were to purchase the Magic Jack? Since the Magic Jack has found a way to some how cram a year’s worth of phone excitment into 30 days, if I never use my phone will I ever grow older? If I use the *69 call back feature many times can I go back in time? The possibilities here are endless.

To quote Jacobin Mugato of Zoolander fame “Doesn’t anyone else realize this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!”

How To For The Holidays

With the holiday season coming up I figured I would provide some guidance for those of you with questions about how to deal with various situations about these confusing times.

Halloween

Halloween parties can be lots of fun, the best time to impress others is when you are dressed as someone other than yourself, but it can also be a danger zone if you plan on taking a date. The general rule here is that if you are married then it is permissible to dress in coordinating costumes, otherwise, you and your date need to pick out costumes on your own. Your costume can say a lot about you. You want to make sure you are recognizable to your fellow party goers, however, focusing on the accuracy of your King Louis XIV and, criticizing other party goers for their historic inaccuracy will likely get you uninvited to next year’s party. Another good rule of thumb is to never bob for apples in the dark, you never know what kind of stuff falls in there; thousands of birds fall right out of the sky each year. Also, you should leave the party if the host has set up the apple bobbing in the bathtub or toilet, especially the latter (although playing in the toilet with a variety of vegetation of varying densities can be a fun game that I like to call “floaters and sinkers” sinkers are worth double). Pumpkin carving is another popular event around this time of year. Nothing says manly like an activity that involves sharp knives, gutting and fire. This is one of the best uses of a vegetable that I can think of. Plus, when you are done you can make a pie with the inards, beat that full serving of vegetables V8 juice. An important final note here is that, contrary to popular belief, “Monster Mash” need not be played at every halloween party.

Thanksgiving

The celebration of the time when the pilgrims and Native Americans first met. The Native Americans introduced the pilgrims to corn and the Pilgrims passed along their long tradition of small pox; it was a simpler time then (Native Americans struck back by inventing something called the “house advantage,” they used this to take the white man’s money). These two groups had such a good time playing with their small pox and black jack that we decided to commemorate it annually by making it the eve of the largest shopping day in America! Thanksgiving for most, is a time when their families get together, eat inordinate amounts of food then watch football in a glazed over, half awake state, this is what America is all about. If you are getting together with your extended family take this opportunity to diagnose what future mental health problems you could be headed for, (Uncle Eddy, there is no way that the government has implanted a tracking device in your brain… no they didn’t pay me to say that) remember the earlier you catch it the easier it is to embrace it. It is best to not bring a significant other to this holiday before you have married them, otherwise they will most likely have second thoughts about what they have gotten themselves into.

When it comes to the dinner itself there are two different trains of thought, most people practice the “save the best for last” approach where they eat dessert last, I disagree with this idea. The stomach is an unpredictable organ and can get full somewhat unexpectadly (unless you are Joey Chestnut), this is why I always eat dessert first. Once I have finished my dessert then I start on the main course and usually try to end with another dessert. I relate this to poetry rhyming schemes (or poultry schemes during the main course), this is what I call the ABA style (it is eaten in Iamsick FromTa-maters). Also, if you eat less than 3 types of pies on this day, it is seen as a failure. This will all be covered in my nutrition guide “How to Gain Weight the Goochy Way” (you should never consult a physician before starting this diet regimine).

Christmas

Once again, God proves his superiority by performing a surrogate baby birth over a thousand years before man is able to figure it out. No matter what someone tells you, you are not required to greet someone with “Happy Holidays” in fact it should be strictly forbidden. Secular citizens have been riding Christians’ coattails for a long time, taking Christmas off work, and then, they expect people to still give them time off work but they want to be greeted in a way that doesn’t offend them. Either work on December 25th, or accept that you are going to have to have some religious associations to get the day off. Most of the questions about this holiday deal with gift giving. The most important rule is that you must spend more on your significant other’s gift than you spend on anyone else, and it must be more than anyone else spends on him/her. For men, gifts between two friends are grounds for a kind of weird relationship. If you are a man don’t give a gift to another man unless they are related to you, work with you or if you are dating their sister. Women can give gifts to one another as long as they are not extravagant. As for coworkers, the rule here is, if you aren’t shopping at a store ending in “mart” then you are spending too much.

New Year’s Eve

There are few things better than a holiday that is only really celebrated for the last 10 seconds of that day. It is popular for people to get drunk off champagne on this day, one could only assume that this is to try and erase enough memory cells that it makes it easier to write the new last digit when dating something. People also seem to enjoy watching their television sets and counting down the end of the year while watching a crystal ball slowly and majestically make its way down a pole in New York City. Unfortunately, the ball rarely, if ever, smashes into thousands of pieces. A good way to experience deja vu is to buy plane tickets and fly across the United States making sure to land in a new time zone at just before midnight. Also, if you arrive early to a destination, impress those around you by giving a vivid description of the ball drop ceremony.

New Year’s Day

The drunks try to remedy their hangovers, the others watch college football.

That should cover you for the upcoming holidays, soon to come: How to for Jewish Holidays.

C’est Triste

I am saddened to inform fans of my poetry that I have received the following email from poetry.com concerning “Ode to a Fart:”

Dear Tyler, Thank you for your submission to the International Open Amateur Poetry Competition. Unfortunately, after careful review of your contest entry, I am sorry to inform you that your poem “Ode To A Fart” was not chosen for publication and is no longer eligible for contest prizes. We understand that poetry is a form of artistic expression and that it is not always understood by those who read it. Therefore, we are asking you to send us another example of your writing.

Here are a few tips our editors give when reviewing poetry:

• Establish a specific writing style (i.e. rhymed verse, blank verse, etc.)
• Establish a meter and follow it consistently throughout the poem
  (i.e. iambic pentameter)
• Use poetic elements
  (i.e. metaphor, simile, alliteration, assonance, consonance, etc.)
• Avoid using clichés
• Be original

Say what you want about my poetry but to say it is cliche or unoriginal is wrong. (Also, I think a poem about farts has plenty of assonance poetry.com!) Anyway, they asked for another submission of my work and I received the following:

Dear Tyler,

Thank you for submitting “Pants.” Your poetry is now being reviewed by our editorial staff for acceptance into the International Library of Poetry and Poetry.com’s Open Amateur Poetry Contest, as well as the Poets Choice: Rate My Poem Contest.

Fantasy Pop Culture League

Fantasy football is a very popular game this time of year. Players are drafted, traded, waived, and picked up but this game can be very confusing for non-sports people and they are missing out on lots of fun. So here I have devised a fun game of fantasy pop culture for the non-sports fans to enjoy building a team of great performers.

The Teams

Teams will be comprised of 6 players: 1 Political pundit (TV or Radio), 1 Musician, 1 Actor/actress, 1 Talk show host, and 2 all-purpose celebrities. (Tip: Draft a talk show host early, good all-purpose celebrities will usually still be available in the later rounds) Teams will draft in random order in a 7 round draft. After the draft, you will have the chance to drop one of your players and can then pick up other personalities to fill out your roster.

Scoring

Scoring will be slightly different for each position. Musicians will gain points based on the number of billboard top 100 hits they have during the given season, actors/actresses will be scored based on how well their movies released during the season do. Talk show hosts receive points based on two catagories: How exciting their shows themes are (Former presidents on foreign policy: 10 points, I’m pimping out my niece: 80 points), and how exciting the people are they interview. Drafting Larry King won’t get you great points on themes but will score well on guests, vice versa for drafting Maury Povich. Political pundits receive more points based on how outrageous the things they say on air are. However, if their show gets cancelled you lost 50 points (Don Immus, risky pick).

For your two all-purpose celebrities, scoring is a little different. They can score points on a variety of actions. For instance, a photo of your shirtless male celebrity scores you 20 points, but a shirtless photo of your female celebrity scores you 100 points. Any commercial they appear in scores you 15 points but a sex tape scores 200 points. A sex tape of a celebrity over 50 years old scores double. A paparazzi photo of your celebrity (male or female) sans underwear scores 100 points (double for over 50 years old).  An arrest of your celebrity scores you 30 points. A televised trial scores you 20 points per day of coverage, but, you lose 5 points a day for prison time (Who will be the next OJ Simpson?). A drunk celebrity scores 25 points (a drunk, shirtless David Hasselhoff scored 45 points). A check into rehab wins you 50 points but you lose double for each return visit. A marriage to a celebrity scores 25 points but a marriage to a no name wins 40 points (plus 15 for everytime he/she is seen in a wife beater/revealing tank top at a semi-formal event).

Top 3 Draft Picks:

1. Lindsay Lohan- She gets arrested fairly often, will probably check into rehab at least once during the season but she is a risk for multiple rehab check in’s. She was arrested quite a bit before but has had a recent lull, or as I call it, the calm before the storm. A sex tape or a drunken, shirtless parade through town seems imminent. This would be followed by an arrest or a check into rehab.

2. Maury Povich- While he loses points for not having the most interesting guests on he has some of the most exciting show titles on daytime TV. “Is it a man or is it a woman audience participation contest” is a sure fire win over Tyra Banks’ “Homeless in NYC.”

3. Rush Limbaugh- He gets the number 3 spot because he is predicted to make by far the most outlandish statements on air. What you occasionally think and then correct yourself realizing that was a dumb comment, that is what he says on national radio.

Sleepers

Michael Jackson- It is a risky pick because he hasn’t done much in the past few years, but history has shown us that if he does happen to go on trial for something that the coverage will be insane and will go on for weeks at minimum. Look to pick him up in free agency if you have a need post-draft for a celebrity.

Regis Philbin- Start him as a talk show host because he interviews some pretty interesting people, or if you are going for broke late in the season start him at celebrity and hope for some naked pictures to surface… on second thought, he really interviews some interesting people, start him at talk show host.

Toughest Jobs

Here is a compilation I have made of some jobs that I think would be extremely difficult to do. They are not neccessarily the most physically demanding but they are the jobs that I feel like I would cry myself tonight everynight if I had to do. Next time you start to hate your job remember this and be thankful: