Social Behavior Guide

7 04 2008

This is a guide for people who may be lacking social skills or are simply looking to improve their ability to communicate in various social situations.

The Elevator

This can be a very tricky situation for beginners. This situation is best handled using mainly non-verbal communication strategies. Upon entering, a tight lipped grin and slight downward nod is the only form of acknowledgment needed to direct toward other occupants. Upon entering amuse yourself by staring at the strange distorted figure of yourself reflected in the elevator doors. If room permits, entertain yourself by cautiously and unnoticed swaying back and forth to manipulate your reflection into funny positions. You may chuckle inside your head but under no circumstances is it permissible to allow this chuckle to be heard by other occupants. Also, do not become so enthralled by this simplified fun house mirror that you miss your floor. If another occupant of your elevator car asks you a question make short eye contact and respond with as few words as possible. If you are about to enter an elevator containing only one other occupant and you happen to find that occupant to be a desirable member of the opposite sex, walk toward the door say “oops, i forgot something” and turn to leave, wait for the next elevator. This is always the best option, for you do not have the ability to find a date in a scene which lasts for less than a minute, does not have a place to purchase a gift for them, and does not contain liquor.

Dyadic Small Talk

Possible questions will most likely center around the weather, make sure to educate yourself on the current weather situation and a minimum 3 day forecast. Do not reference weather any farther than 7 days into the future, this makes you seem like an incredible nerd.

“Nice weather today.”

“Yeah, but we better enjoy it while we can, in about 8 months we will be experiencing a Proxigean Spring Tide, could be rough.”

Another possible small talk starter is a common “How ’bout those (insert name of local sports team)?” If you are knowledgeable about this team then you should feel free to enter into conversation. However, if you are not knowledgeable about this team a simple “Yeah, How ’bout em” should suffice.

Urinals

One of the most commonly discussed but constantly abused situations. The most import of rules is no eye contact is to be made once your pants are unzipped. You are to stare straight ahead or at your target. Locking eyes with another man while both of you are handling yourselves is an emotional scar that will last for days, maybe longer depending on if you see a twinkle in his eye. If you see a twinkle when you start to tinkle, see a psychiatrist immediately. Two hands are necessary for aiming purposes, especially when there are strangers feet nearby. Under no circumstances should you become so comfortable that you place one or both of your hands on the wall, this is known as the “Hey look ma, no hands” style and is an unnecessary form of showing off. The bathroom is no place for showboating, it is a place of business, wet, stinky business. Grunting and other forms of audible expression of relief are unnecessary and cause discomfort among your fellow bathroom mates. Many of us are also familiar with the ‘two shakes for drying purposes’ rule, any more than two shakes is considered to much fun for a public restroom. Learn more about Urinal Selection.

Locker Room

Perhaps the trickiest of the social scenarios mentioned, the locker room is a high danger zone for awkward interactions. Your level of naked should be in direct proportion to your age. Old people shower, shave, make phone calls, and if old enough, stretch naked. Teenagers occasionally wear bathing suits in the shower. Your eyes should never wander below the neck line of any one else and all communication must be done from the neck up. One time letting your eyes slip beyond the neckline of a naked man in his 80’s should teach you this lesson. Head nods take precedent over hand shakes. Scantly dressed, sweaty men should avoid any sort of firm gripping. Butt slaps are uncalled for and inappropriate, even amongst the closest of friends. Stories or verbal interactions should contain as few hand gestures as possible, naked gyrating is never good for anyone. The final and most important rule of the locker room: anytime you must bend over or contort in any way make sure to wrap a towel around yourself.

I hope that you have found these guidelines insightful and helpful in your everyday life. Employ these techniques and your social skills will increase ten-fold, or not who knows.

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