I have been asked many times who I would invite to a dinner party if I could invite 5 people from any time period in the history of the world. After some thought here are my 5 invitees in no particular order (and a few honorable mentions)
1. J. Edgar Hoover
48 years leading the FBI and transforming it into what it is today, along with the cross-dressing make Mr. Hoover a solid lock for this list. He must be an interesting person to be able to catch criminals on the run and runs in pantyhose. Keeping both gangsters and panties from bunching up. Plus, catching and killing John Dillinger, then buying the perfect pair of one-toe pumps with a cute strap. He’s got to be an interesting character.
2. Attila The Hun
How can you not want to have dinner with someone who was occasionally referred to as “The Scourge of God?” His appearance is relatively unknown but was once described as “short of stature, with a broad chest and a large head; his eyes were small, his beard thin and sprinkled with grey; and he had a flat nose.” One would assume he looks something like a post-Seinfeld Jason Alexander:
He was also able to kill the Visigoth king in an epic battle against both the Visigoths and Roman Empires in what should now be known as Old Orleans (New Orleans had not yet been founded so it was just Orleans at the time). He also casually invaded and ravaged Italy on the way to marry a woman, accidentally inventing the city of Venice, perhaps for honeymoon purposes. It is not clear if he was also responsible for the invention of their stripped shirts and mimes. Also, he may have died from a hemorrhoid in the lower part of his esophagus rupturing, sounds interesting.
3. Charles Manson
Learned to play steel guitar and began to sing, even got the Beach Boys to record his song “Never Learn Not to Love.” He believed The Beatles predicted a race war in a Nostradamus type way, in their song “Helter Skelter.” He told his followers they would be safe from the rise of African-Americans because they would travel underground to a city of gold below the surface near Death Valley, I would assume they do this to pay homage to the Underground Railroad. He named his kids (In George Foreman-esque fashion) Charles Manson Jr., Charles Luther Manson, and Valentine “Pooh Bear” Manson. Plus, all the influencing people to kill large groups of people and pledge their allegiance to him.
He would be a very interesting guest, probably has some cool stories that his Dad left out of his biography. I hear he has attended a few dinner parties before. We can all sit on the same side of the table; maybe I can find someone to paint a portrait of us while we eat. Plus, I could save on dinner costs, just buy 5 loaves of bread, a couple of fish, and some bottles of water that could later be turned into wine. After all, Jesus saves.
5. Isaac Newton
He could probably show us a whole boatload of science tricks with a simple fruit display since he figured out gravity with an apple. He told us that the world would end no earlier than 2060. Plus, I could share with him my first law of relationships: A man at rest tends to stay at rest until acted upon (yelled at) by his significant other and a man in motion tends to stay in motion until his significant other is satisfied. This dinner is a pretty big deal and Newton of all people would understand the gravity of the situation.
Fredrich Nietzsche-“God is Dead,” Ballsy.
Milton Snavely Hershey-Entrepreneur, and very innovative, plus the dessert would be great.
Karl Marx– Too much beard hair, it would get in the food. Also, his writing is soul crushingly boring.
Albert Einstein– His wife was very intelligent and even admitted to not understand what he was saying most of the time.