How to Find a Date

13 04 2008

There are many places where it people can find dates these days, but few are proficient enough to successfully find dates in these various forums. Today, we are going to examine these different scenarios and hopefully show you how to become more successful in all facets of dating.


Though it is perhaps the most commonly tackled dating scene in movies and television, few are prolific in the ways of finding dates in bars. Women, you usually sit quietly at the bar waiting for a Russel Crowe look alike to come up and deliver the perfect line to sweep you off your feet. Instead, you usually get a nervous chubby guy, sweating a lot, who gives you a cheesy pick-up line or offers you some of the free peanuts from the bar. Men, typically you sit and wait for the woman of your dreams to come through the door while wind machines blow back her hair in a Charlie’s Angels sort of way. When this doesn’t happen, you usually sit in the corner trying to get your confidence up, then strut over to a woman and deliver your line you thought sounded really cleaver when your friend told you to say it a few moments ago. All this while you sweat because of your overactive gland problem that you will gladly tell the woman (that you have now cornered in a somewhat creepy manner) about in innate fashion making sure to include every biological detail because you think it makes you sound smarter. “To tell you the truth, my severe pit stain on the left side is more of a problem with my Merocrine gland than my Apocrine gland, the doctor says that its over activity causes a salty discharge to be produced at a rate 3 times the normal human rate. Did I mention that I got a B- in Anatomy in college?” You should note that while this will sound like a rock-solid plan in your head, reality will begin to show you that your head knows very little, typically anything that sounds fool-proof in your head is not; seeing as how it was, created by a fool. One of the best things you can do is purchase a woman a drink from the other side of the bar. This way, you show your interest in her without having to open your mouth directly in front of her, 7 times out of 10 saying something to a woman you initially are interested in will result in bad things. Women, buying a drink from across the room for your interest is also a good strategy. But, because of your typically calm demeanors you also have the option to approach a man and sit on an empty stool next to him. However, because you approached him, it is your obligation to listen to the science behind sweat glands for 10 minutes, any longer and you may leave.

The Office

The office seems so full of promise for relationships. You encounter this person everyday, you get to work alongside them, and you already know each others interests, organization abilities, and work ethic. The problems with office dating, however, are: you encounter this person everyday, you have to work alongside them, and they already know your boring interests, poor organization abilities and awful work ethic. You may be willing to forgo these downsides to office dating because your head is filled with dreams of romantic romps in the copy room and in the supply closet. You should know that a) the chances of this happening (assuming don’t work inside an Axe body spray commercial) are extremely slim, and b) you would certainly be fired immediately (you also won’t fit in the supply closet).

The Internet

The internet is filled with dating sites and ways to form magical relationships by matching you on 237 levels of attraction. This is done by you completing a generic evaluation form given to all applicants. The dating site then uses this to match your answers with other answers from around the site. You are then told who on the site would be a compatible match for you. The main problem with this system is that it puts you into what I refer to as “non-sustainable relationships ™.” These are relationships that are founded on what many people call “inner-beauty” and will not last. Here is how dating sites should work. They should first ask you to rate attractiveness on societies standard 1-10 scale. For men they should move their rating of themselves down 3 numbers and move women’s up 4 notches. This will compensate for the flaws we have when evaluating ourselves, men usually overestimate and women underestimate their looks. Then I guess you can have some stupid filler questions about personality to serve as tie-breakers to decide which match is your “best match.” It should be noted that due to the demographic of current internet dating sites that if you evaluate yourself to be over a 6 you should steer clear of using the internet for dating.

Dance Clubs

One of the most important things you need to learn is how to dance properly. Next you are going to have to master non-verbal communication. Most dance clubs play music so loud that it is almost impossible to have a conversation while on the dance floor itself. First, you must use your eyebrows. Along with the mouth, eyebrows are your real life emoticons; they can convey a world of emotions very easily. Men, you have to learn to be selective in the type of women you chose to pick up. You want to make sure that you avoid women who seem way to eager to dance inappropriately with you. I liken these women to the show “The Deadliest Catch” on the Discovery Channel, because in both you can experience catching crabs. The female species has an interesting ritual they perform when at these clubs, they put their shoes and purses on the floor and dance around them in a protective circle. This leads me to believe that Stonehenge was simply a way for women to protect their shoes and purses while they danced freely about. Women, you must also be selective in the men you approach. Try to avoid men with ties tied in a Rambo-esque way around their heads. These men are idiots, instead look for a man who is dancing well, but not better than you. Men who are way better than you are either not interested in women, or are married and had to take dancing lessons with their wives.

This should cover your basic scenes for finding a date. If you are confronted with another situation that is not mentioned on this list, try to employ some of the techniques used here.




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