How To Start A Cult

24 05 2008

Cults have been around since ancient Greece and extreme outlandish “religions” have been a great way to trick people into doing different things for you. In Charles Manson’s case he chose to have them kill people for him, Jonestown had some sort of a kool-aide blowout at the end of their parade. And now, for the first time ever, you can have your very own cult at no cost to you, no money down. Just read this guide and follow exactly as it says! If you are not completely satisfied with your cult I will give you a 100% refund of no money.

The first step you will need to take if you are looking to start a cult of your very own is to come up with something so absurd and ridiculous that it seems believable to some crazed fraction of the population. Just for example you could use something like:

Millions of years ago whales had legs and roamed the earth. At the time of their reign the earth was a peaceful and solemn place. The whale is a large and intimidating creature but it has tiny bristles for teeth, exemplifying its soft nature. When dinosaurs appeared the whales were forced into the ocean to survive. They adapted to the water quite well but continued to breath air. They did this so they could come up for air and investigate the state of the Earth plotting and waiting for their time to regain control. It is our job to communicate with the whales, by mastering sonar, and to put ourself in good standing with the whales. We shall respect and worship the whales, then we shall put the whales back into power, returning the world to the way it once was. If we do this they will surely be appreciative of our efforts. When they rule the world they will allow us to live the most privileged lives of all the humans.

The next step is to come up with some interesting, and made-up, “facts” that you can use to try and solidify your argument. For the aforementioned scenario tidbits would include things like:

  • The phrase “walk the plank” is used when someone walks off of a board into the ocean. This is in reference to the way in which the whales “walked” into the ocean and began to eat PLANKton.
  • Only two creatures live in the ocean but continue to breathe air, the whale and the dolphin. The whales have been breathing air for millions of years so they are accustomed to it, dolphins just began doing it recently in order to try and get in the good graces of the whales, just as we must do.
  • Whales communicate through sonar. They have been doing this for millions of years. Only recently did our military establish a way to use sound waves for location purposes in the form of radar, this shows the whales intellectual superiority.

The next step to take is to give names to the characters in your story then rename the members of your cult. You may choose to name people after prominent figures in the story or, give them original names. Remember to make your name a prominent figure in the story. Either name the leader after you or name yourself after the leader you worship. A good example of this is David Koresh naming his followers The Branch Davidians. I have found the best way to formulate names is to pound your fingers on the home row keys of your computer and then go back and fill in the name with a few choice vowels. My members would be named:

  • fajkisel
  • lodils the 2nd
  • gohselidk;

It is important to note that the savior in your story should have a powerful sounding title, and intimidating post name phrase. The name of this character should also be much more thought out than the other characters. Here is a template to help you choose the name of your cult’s messiah:

We worship you almighty (lord/king/Ms.), (blagestine/ snagenstine/ Latoya) (Destroyer of Men/ Rightful ruler of Earth/ Queen of the Jacksons)

In my cult we will be pledging allegiance to Lord Snagenstine, Queen of the Jackson’s. A whale well over 170 feet in length and the last great whale empress.

Next, in order to draw more members you must do what all religions do and that is make some cool paintings of your leader and hang them around the shrine you have built. Best case scenario, you will also come up with a symbol to represent your people (i.e. the cross, the star of david, Prince’s symbol). For my example, something similar to the pacific life logo would be appropriate.

Once you have developed a strong following it becomes imperative for you to develop a mission to keep your followers occupied while allowing them to demonstrate their loyalty. The mission i would assign to my group would be a two part mission to go to Sea World and make attempts to speak to the whales using sonar and once i decided that communication had been initiated then we would formulate an attack plan to allow the whales to regain power. We would use Sea Worlds on both coasts to attack from the inside and push people to the ocean where the other wave of whale freedom fighters would be waiting to fight. Once we had gained power in California and Florida we would begin a conquest march from the East and West meeting somewhere in Missouri where the power would be restored to the whales once and for all. It is best to choose a plan that will continually fail so as to motivate the followers to work harder and to keep them from revealing you as the complete fraud you are.

Most of the good cults have found a way to go out with a bang. A good example of this is the Waco massacre or Jonestown. If you want a truly successful cult then you will begin to sense when things are coming to an end and have a huge blowout of some sort. I may have my example cult build a large armored whale vehicle of destruction that we would use to rampage across the country involving police departements and armed forces to stop us. There is a good chance this “rampage” would last less than 10 minutes.

This information has been bestowed upon you and should come with a bit of a disclaimer. While I cannot say ethically that tricking people into doing silly things is right, I am not at liberty to say it is not kinda fun. Good luck!

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