My Science

29 05 2008

Here are a few scientific theories that I have adjusted in order to help others in their everyday life:

Laws of Thermodynamics- we will be omitting the zeroth law and any tentative fourth laws due to them being irrelevant and confusing.

  1. The first law tells us that for any process the total energy of the universe remains the same. This can be exemplified by the fact that when you are doing nothing your boss is very angry and uses a lot of energy to yell at you. When you are working hard your boss yells at you with less vigor; this brings balance to the force.
  2. The second, and most famous, law basically tells us that energy systems tend to increase in chaos. This is easily found in everyday life. First, sit in a room by yourself and notice how unchaotic it seems. Now invite your most energetic family members over and watch chaos ensue.
  3. The third law tells us that as temperature approaches absolute zero the chaos approaches a constant minimum. If you make it really cold in your house then your chaotic family will become concerned with the temperature and chaos will be reduced until you turn the heat back on and people can focus on their normal insane personalities.

Newton’s laws of motion-

  1. The first law of motion indicates that an object at rest or moving at a constant velocity will continue to do so unless acted upon by an outside force. This seems pretty irrelevant to a normal person. However, if i explain it to you like this: A kick returner moving down the sideline at a constant speed will continue to do so and score a touchdown unless he is devastatingly obliterated by a “outside force” or backup middle linebacker with bottled up anger. Also a husband at rest on the couch watching this game take place will remain at rest on the couch until acted upon by an “outside force” or his wife. I should now point out that any women reading this post look very lovely today. Did you do something new with your hair? Because it looks great.
  2. The second law states that the rate of change of momentum of a body is proportional to the resultant force acting on the body and is in the same direction. Basically, all you need to know here is when you drink too much and back talk the large guy in the bar, your head will change directions and snap back at a proportional force to how hard the guy punched you.
  3. The third law is the only law i have a problem with. I find it to be the only one which can be disproved in the real world. Newton thinks that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This can be falsified by with a simple movement. Next time you (men) are at a restaurant with your significant other take a short peak at an attractive woman sitting near you. This is a very slight and seemingly meaningless action but it will provoke a reaction of extreme disproportion. Your significant other will most likely freak out and begin questioning your loyalty to her, her looks, what you think of her, what you think of the whole relationship. Law busted!

Law of Conservation of Energy- Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only change forms. Currently, society is looking to change this law by creating energy with the popularity of Starbuck’s coffee and the destruction of energy through the use of Ritalin.

Archimede’s Principle– Proves important scientific discoveries can be made while in the nude and shouting exclamations. If this was practiced more often who knows where we would be today.

Boyle’s Law– The basis for the “ideal gas law” which deals with pressure and volume within a closed system. We can use this to realize that the more pressure and volume that builds up within your “closed system” the more explosive and toxic your gas will be. Boyle states that PV=k, (pressure x volume= representation of pressure and volume within the system) this can be updated to say PV=p (pew factor)/s (sound resonance). It should also be stated that pressure and volume are inversely proportional, so if your “ideal gas” is what is known as an “SBD” (silent but deadly) then you want to have your volume as the larger figure. You would think a low volume would be quiet, this only works on stereo systems; this is not how science operates. High pressure expulsions will result in an echoing boom, while high volume with have a stronger and more extensive stench.

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