10 Things I Have Learned Living Alone

21 06 2008

You learn many things when you first live on your own, here is an account of the things i have learned so far:

  1. Food does not expire, it merely changes consistencies.
  2. Spaghetti loses some cache but tastes just the same when eaten out of 3 mugs instead of a bowl.
  3. Forgetting to drain a can of corn before dumping it into a hot skillet will not only set off the smoke detector but will also shoot hot corn at you and all around the kitchen, only to be found later. If you choose to attempt this I highly recommend wearing a shirt as you do so, hot corn will sting badly.
  4. It is time to vacuum when you hear crunching as you walk.
  5. While not as glamorous, trying to kill flies using a Nerf gun with your shirt wrapped around your head can make you feel a lot like Rambo, even if you never kill a single one.
  6. Many people believe that it is easier to wait for the rain to come instead of washing their car. For a man, a similar approach can be taken towards cleaning your toilet.
  7. An interesting physiological change occurs when it is 2:00 in the morning and no one is there to talk some sense into you, suddenly a perfectly balanced fishing rod, made from ballistic nylon, with an eye gauge protector, for only 4 small payments of $39.95 seems very reasonable.
  8. Diet 7up is an awful thing, it tastes like the carbonated, decaffeinated urine of a well hydrated cat. If you are wondering how i am so familiar with the taste of cat pee then i should let you know that there was a drink released not long ago that I believe was super caffeinated cat urine, remember surge?
  9. Rather than having to get up to take my trash to the garbage can, I find it much more efficient to leave the trash where it is and bring the can to the trash right before it is time to take out the garbage.
  10. Just because you are alone does not make it ok to watch super nanny. You feel guilty and dirty the whole time.
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