Brisket Brawl

28 06 2008

I was shopping at Kroger a few days ago, wandering through the store around 10:45 am eastern standard time, as this is when the “manger’s specials” are put out. Basically, these are the foods that are within a day or two of the expiration date and are half priced. As I sat gandering through the discounted poultry, I began to hear two women having a discussion over a few of the beef products. They were sorting through the beef tossing the more expensive pieces aside like they were… a piece of meat. They, like I, were after the deals. At this point I realized that both of these women had eyed the same 3 pound beef brisket selling for $2.00. They both reached for the meet at the same time. Together, they pulled the brisket out of the refrigerated trough where the meat sits on display. As both began to tug on the meat I began to realize that “it was about to go down.” Before we go any further we should, as they do before most good fight, go over the tale of the tape to get the measurables on both competitors.

So as both of these women pull on the brisket sort of half heartedly wondering if the other is going to really take this to the next level of confrontation. I have now moved to pretend I was looking at the granola bars in order to get a good view but not be close enough to have to take some blame when one of these women is inevitable struck in the head with uncooked meat. As they sit trying to feel out the other’s style and dedication to the meat, the younger woman asks “What are you doing lady? Give me the meat, you are crazy!” Much like in professional wrestling, once someone offers up a silly piece of trash talk, things escalated very quickly.

The older woman began to dig her fingers in and pull the brisket close to her chest. Seeing this manuever, the younger woman makes a quick tactical decision that began to show how well prepared she was for this match. She began to try to kick the older woman in the shins. Sort of playfully at first but with more and more malicious intent as this epic supermarket beef battle continued to unfold. At this point I have dropped the box of granola bars I was pretending to look at and I have become a pure and unashamed spectator. Upon noticing that her shins were vulnerable, and she had her back up against the ropes (or in this case the Dorito’s rack), the older woman began to shout out “I am an older woman, let go!” This was a valiant, yet desperate attempt to play on the stigma we have about old people. This woman had already proved she was not a weak, retirement home, shuffle-board slouch, but a well conditioned grappler at a tactical disadvantage. The younger woman, sensing she was on the verge of victory, began to use her foot to swipe at the old woman’s legs in what may have been an attempt at a Russian leg sweep in order to swipe the beef (supermarket sweep-steaks?). With an astute observation the young woman realized the older woman was on one leg to avoid the leg sweep and did not have good balance. She took this opportunity to swipe the brisket clean out of the arms of the older woman and briskly leave with the brisket. This was now the end of what had to be a devastating defeat for the older woman who appeared to come into this match in such good condition and with a good strategy.

I had seen women fighting over cheap wedding dresses on television before but I did not realize this happened in real-life, and with something as simple as a cheap beef brisket. The way I see it, wedding dress fights are much more humane because you are fighting someone who is your exact same size, similar proportions and weight, this sort of automatically causes a division fights into weight classes. When the fights move into the supermarket there is no longer any sort of weight divisions, it is like early UFC fights when 500 pound sumo wrestlers would take on 180 pound boxers. The fights become less fair but more fun to watch.




One response

11 07 2008

This post made me laugh to a near-snorting point. Class! Love it.

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