We all know that the most common way for an athlete to make it to the Olympics is to begin training at 6 years old and workout everyday for 20 years with the aspirations of becoming the next national icon. Unfortunately for many of us we are not that dedicated and have probably not been training at an Olympic level for the past 20 years. Luckily, I have devised a few different strategies for us laymen to be able to enjoy the Olympic experience that many of us casually watch every four years.
The first way for the average person to make the Olympics is to go to another country. While the United States sends hundreds of extrememly talented athletes to the Olympics there are some countries that only send 2 or 3. There is probably plenty of room on that plane ride for someone willing to represent Belarus in Badminton. Now you may have to win an event or something to qualify for the Badminton tournament but if you play a few matches at a family reunion you should be more than ready to whack a feathered ball around with the other Olympians that are too lazy for tennis.
If you sweat easily maybe the Winter Olympics would better suit you. I recommend the Biathalon to any hopefuls out there. It is an interesting combination of skiing and shooting a gun. I say start of strong and as people start to pass you perharps an unfortunate “slip” with the safety off to gun could lead to a few front-runners having to drop out of the race early. If you are uncomfortable with the possibility of mortaly wounding other competitors then I recommend the Luge. You get to lay down the whole time and make minor steering corrections while the curvature of the track does most of the work for you. Curling is always a good option for lazy people but men should be aware that they will receive a lot of nagging from their wives if they come back from that event and fail to sweep the floor. Equestrian is always an option, especially Dressage. In fact, this may be the best event for anyone not really wanting to physically exert themselves. You sit atop a horse while it does all of the work, but not even hard work. An “extended trot” is a common move in this sport. The horse does not even run it trots at most and spends the majority of the time walking around seemingly aimlessly while commentators try an trick viewers into thinking something magical is happening. Sure you have to train the horse but it is nothing you can’t pay to have someone do for you.
Another way to get to the Olympics is to have a child that becomes a phenomenal athlete. Just look at the coverage Michael Phelps’ mother received this year at all of his races. This can be tricky, especially if you don’t have the genes to make your kid an Olympian. I recommend adopting. Adopting Chinese babies is a recent craze and if you have watched any of this years Olympics you know that the chinese have been very dominant in many sports especially gymnastics. Adopt a Chinese baby, male of female, and put it on a trampoline ASAP. Encourage the child to stretch and enroll he/she in gymnastics classes as soon as they are old enough.
Finally, if none of this works for you purchase Photoshop and check ebay for a former Olympian in need of some quick cash and tell you kids about the time you won the gold.