How To For The Holidays

29 09 2008

With the holiday season coming up I figured I would provide some guidance for those of you with questions about how to deal with various situations about these confusing times.


Halloween parties can be lots of fun, the best time to impress others is when you are dressed as someone other than yourself, but it can also be a danger zone if you plan on taking a date. The general rule here is that if you are married then it is permissible to dress in coordinating costumes, otherwise, you and your date need to pick out costumes on your own. Your costume can say a lot about you. You want to make sure you are recognizable to your fellow party goers, however, focusing on the accuracy of your King Louis XIV and, criticizing other party goers for their historic inaccuracy will likely get you uninvited to next year’s party. Another good rule of thumb is to never bob for apples in the dark, you never know what kind of stuff falls in there; thousands of birds fall right out of the sky each year. Also, you should leave the party if the host has set up the apple bobbing in the bathtub or toilet, especially the latter (although playing in the toilet with a variety of vegetation of varying densities can be a fun game that I like to call “floaters and sinkers” sinkers are worth double). Pumpkin carving is another popular event around this time of year. Nothing says manly like an activity that involves sharp knives, gutting and fire. This is one of the best uses of a vegetable that I can think of. Plus, when you are done you can make a pie with the inards, beat that full serving of vegetables V8 juice. An important final note here is that, contrary to popular belief, “Monster Mash” need not be played at every halloween party.


The celebration of the time when the pilgrims and Native Americans first met. The Native Americans introduced the pilgrims to corn and the Pilgrims passed along their long tradition of small pox; it was a simpler time then (Native Americans struck back by inventing something called the “house advantage,” they used this to take the white man’s money). These two groups had such a good time playing with their small pox and black jack that we decided to commemorate it annually by making it the eve of the largest shopping day in America! Thanksgiving for most, is a time when their families get together, eat inordinate amounts of food then watch football in a glazed over, half awake state, this is what America is all about. If you are getting together with your extended family take this opportunity to diagnose what future mental health problems you could be headed for, (Uncle Eddy, there is no way that the government has implanted a tracking device in your brain… no they didn’t pay me to say that) remember the earlier you catch it the easier it is to embrace it. It is best to not bring a significant other to this holiday before you have married them, otherwise they will most likely have second thoughts about what they have gotten themselves into.

When it comes to the dinner itself there are two different trains of thought, most people practice the “save the best for last” approach where they eat dessert last, I disagree with this idea. The stomach is an unpredictable organ and can get full somewhat unexpectadly (unless you are Joey Chestnut), this is why I always eat dessert first. Once I have finished my dessert then I start on the main course and usually try to end with another dessert. I relate this to poetry rhyming schemes (or poultry schemes during the main course), this is what I call the ABA style (it is eaten in Iamsick FromTa-maters). Also, if you eat less than 3 types of pies on this day, it is seen as a failure. This will all be covered in my nutrition guide “How to Gain Weight the Goochy Way” (you should never consult a physician before starting this diet regimine).


Once again, God proves his superiority by performing a surrogate baby birth over a thousand years before man is able to figure it out. No matter what someone tells you, you are not required to greet someone with “Happy Holidays” in fact it should be strictly forbidden. Secular citizens have been riding Christians’ coattails for a long time, taking Christmas off work, and then, they expect people to still give them time off work but they want to be greeted in a way that doesn’t offend them. Either work on December 25th, or accept that you are going to have to have some religious associations to get the day off. Most of the questions about this holiday deal with gift giving. The most important rule is that you must spend more on your significant other’s gift than you spend on anyone else, and it must be more than anyone else spends on him/her. For men, gifts between two friends are grounds for a kind of weird relationship. If you are a man don’t give a gift to another man unless they are related to you, work with you or if you are dating their sister. Women can give gifts to one another as long as they are not extravagant. As for coworkers, the rule here is, if you aren’t shopping at a store ending in “mart” then you are spending too much.

New Year’s Eve

There are few things better than a holiday that is only really celebrated for the last 10 seconds of that day. It is popular for people to get drunk off champagne on this day, one could only assume that this is to try and erase enough memory cells that it makes it easier to write the new last digit when dating something. People also seem to enjoy watching their television sets and counting down the end of the year while watching a crystal ball slowly and majestically make its way down a pole in New York City. Unfortunately, the ball rarely, if ever, smashes into thousands of pieces. A good way to experience deja vu is to buy plane tickets and fly across the United States making sure to land in a new time zone at just before midnight. Also, if you arrive early to a destination, impress those around you by giving a vivid description of the ball drop ceremony.

New Year’s Day

The drunks try to remedy their hangovers, the others watch college football.

That should cover you for the upcoming holidays, soon to come: How to for Jewish Holidays.




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