Political Outlooks for Historical Figures

3 10 2008

In this election season it is important to consider how people from the past would have fared in American politics. Here is an examination of what would happen if some of histories brightest people where alive and running for political office in the United States here in 2008:

Plato

Pros: One of histories great thinkers, he lived over 2,000 years ago yet his name is still a household name. He has the one name recognition powers of Cher and Madonna. Many credit him as the founder of democracy which would make a pretty good platform. Studied under Socrates, which was sort of the Harvard or Yale of the time.

Cons: Believed that the highest power humans had to look to was “the form of the good,” bye-bye red states. He did most of his writing in the form of a dialogue between his deceased teacher Socrates and various other characters. Also, like many at the time, would spend time courting young boys for sexual relationships. His name is easily parodied by his opposition by showing toddlers molding him into various objects

Political Outlook: Support from NAMBLA becomes too much for any national office. Probably weird enough to become governor of California.

Moses

Pros: Often spoke directly with God, hello red states. Turning the staff into the snake would get him an environmentalist bump. He is a very experienced leader since he led God’s people through the desert for 40 years. Probably gets support from the gun lobby because of his connection with the late Charlton Heston. He has legislative experience since he presented the Israelites with ten laws still practiced by many today. Natural comparisons arise between him and Abe Lincoln since he emancipated slaves thousands of years before Lincoln. Gets a war hero boost from his leadership of the Israelites against the Amalekites.

Cons: Democrats use the burning bush story to destroy his reputation as an enviromentalist. Beards that long don’t look great on camera, no matter his answers he probably loses the televised debates. He has a bit of a temper since he smashed the ten commandment tablets. Opposition presents a 10 step plan and time table to try to prove he could have gotten the Israelites out of Egypt in 34 years max.

Political Outlook: Not born in America so he can’t technically run for president. With the threat of God turning all the rivers to blood Moses becomes a lion of the senate.

Al Capone

Pros: Excellent leadership ability, very experienced commander and chief. He was even able to run his gang crimes from an Atlanta prison. He made an excellent living out of having people killed and taking money from others while leaving no paper trail linking to him. He has an intimate knowledge of underground criminal activity so he could most likely find Osama bin Laden in his first month.

Cons: He spent time on the FBI’s most wanted list, did prison time and was the brains behind the St. Valentine’s day massacre. Ran illegal prostitution, gambling and alcohol (during prohibition) businesses.

Political Outlook: The cons are actually just more pros, at worst vice president, but, most likely 2 term president.

Mohandas Gandhi

Pros: He promoted non-violent resistance to protest injustices. He was a true reformer which seems to be a hot word in politics these days. He was often called Mahatma which means “great soul” so he seems like a good guy. He opposed the British, America’s oldest rivals. He was assassinated which translates to 100% approval ratings.

Cons: War is the best way to generate popularity among the American people, he would have real trouble “wagging the dog” if he started to loose popularity. Peaceful resistance technique could also make him look soft on crime/terror. Beliefs in Hindu and Jain traditions could hurt him with in the bible belt.

Political Outlook: His non-violent stance is too much for modern America, although his polite, peaceful attitude makes him an almost unanimous winner of the Canadian Prime Minister position.

R2-D2

Pros: It comes well supplied with an assortment of handy gadgets. It was inducted to the Robot Hall of Fame in 2003. It has already been parodied thousands of times, like most politicians. Seems unbiased but it has a knack for always helping out the good guys. It has great communication skills.

Cons: It seems to get easily flustered. Is it a Mac or a PC? The other side would invariably talk about how much better the alternative would be at running a country (It has trouble running more than 3 programs at once, how will it handle a nation). Also, if it ever breaks down, we would have to call India to fix it, leaves us vulnerable for a take over.

Political Outlook: It will almost certainly become the first president when the robots invariably take over.

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