Subway Series Part 2: Movin’ on up, to the South Side

28 05 2009

After a long three days of sandwich artistry (they don’t enjoy abstract art as much as you would think) the owner of all of the local area Subways asked me to come speak with him. Was I being fired already? It was too early for a promotion, right? In broken English the boss told me “You are a very hard worker, and you seem to have caught on to everything quickly.” I felt honored and eager to hear what was in store for such a hard working and naturally gifted sandwich artist. He told me “Our Crestwood store is having trouble dealing with the lunch crowd and I think they need someone with your work ethic to help out over there, I am transferring you to that store.” I felt a sense of elation, the kind typically reserved for an artist that perfectly folds a double stacked cold cut trio with all the toppings and no spillage. I was on top of the sandwich world.

I told some of my coworkers, whom I had grown so close to over the last few days, about my new fortune. After talking to a few coworkers it became obvious that they had also been spoken to and the only reason I was selected to be transferred was because I was the only employee that had a car. Nonetheless, for those of you who don’t know, Crestwood is the Paris of sandwich artistry, and working at the Subway near the railroad tracks would be like painting while sitting right in the Louvre. I had been awarded the chance to drive 20 extra minutes round trip everyday and practice my craft  in the sandwich capital of Kentucky with no increase in pay! I was living the sandwich dream.

Continue the Series with Part 3



28 05 2009
  • Why can I reheat almost any gourmet meal in my microwave by just putting on a plate and in the microwave, yet to cook hot pockets I have to use a futuristic cardboard sleeve to protect this scientifically engineered snack.
  • They say there is no guide to parenting, if you are concerned about being an inexperienced parent, buy an HP Deskjet printer, it misbehaves, has an attitude, throws fits, must be monitored at all times, and occasionally acts out by printing a document with black text in bright red.
  • As disconcerting as it is that the bottle must remind me that my olive oil has never had sex, how is some of the oil “extra” virgin? Has it never even had thoughts of other olive oils? Has it taken a vow of celibacy?
  • It’s strange that the human body is the most complex thing any of us own, but almost anyone can make a human being with the stuff they have around the house, most anyone can create the most complex thing we know but only a select few can correctly install a printer (see above).
  • When I stand in a normal upright position my head is directly above my heels, so, why is someone said to be “head over heels” about someone, wouldn’t  that just mean they were standing normally?
  • Is it possible to be tired of having too much energy?
  • Is there anyone braver than the person who first decided to squeeze a cows utter and drink the stuff that came out? Except perhaps the person who saw an egg come out of a chickens backside and thought a couple of those would make a great breakfast.
  • The Scripps National Spelling Bee allows contestants from Canada to enter, is it possible the people running the competition have never had to give the definition of national?