Philosophy of Walmart

24 04 2010

I was in Wal-Mart recently and, as I was leaving, I saw a sign on the back of the entrance door that said “Do Not Enter.” I found that rather interesting.

Initially, I thought, ‘Well, the other side of that door seems quite contradictory to this bold statement.’ To say that a door is not an entrance seems oddly inefficient in terms of the use you could be getting out of the door. It also raises a larger question, can a door ever just be an entrance or an exit? If you think about it, you can’t really leave anywhere without entering somewhere else.

Then it occurred to me, could this be part of Wal-Mart trying to influence the way we think? Is it possible that this is a sub-conscious attempt to try to keep us from associating leaving Wally World with the sense of relief that we usually feel when we walk through those automatic sliding doors to reenter society and take that first breath of air that does not smell as if it were recently emitted from someone. Instead, Wal-Mart is trying to get us to frame this experience as leaving the great world of rolled back prices and boundless hopes and dreams, for a boring parking lot, a world with soul-crushing responsibilities and boring 9-5 jobs.

Or maybe I am just reading too much into this…


How to Work at a Fast Food Restaurant

5 04 2010

Do you have what it takes to work at a fast food restaurant? Here are a few tips if you are looking to pick up a job in these tough economic times at a fast food joint.

The first and most important attribute you must perfect is your self-esteem. If you feel like you could achieve something in life or have any type of aspirations or positive regard for your existence, then this may not be the career for you. Ideally, you will have a low self-esteem to begin with and with every passing day you will slowly begin to loath your existence, eventually you will address all customers with the disregard for human life that has been beaten into you through years of selling cheap beef day after day. If you greet customers with a peppy “how can I help you today?” Then you need to consider customer service, not the fast food industry. If, however, you greet customers with an emotionless “yeah, what do you want?” then this may be the career for you.

Once you have gotten the attitude down you need to make sure your appearance matches your career goals. Dyed hair in bright colors will make you look the part; lots of piercings will help your chance as well. The most important part of your appearance, though, is to appear unwashed. Not the Brett Farve unshaven look paired with the Brad Pitt ‘I worked really hard to get my hair to look unwashed’ look. Instead, you should be shooting for a look that makes customers wonder if you have lice or leprosy. If you cause people to fear that something from your person may fall into their food then you have mastered this step.

The next step is learning to take an order. In a perfect situation you would make a minimum of three mistakes per order. If they ask for coke, you would give them diet coke, if they ask for a hamburger you would give them a cheese burger, if they were highly allergic to onions you would replace their fries with onion rings. Perhaps the most important part of this step is to never admit your mistake. When a customer berates you look at them the way a cat does when its owner tells it to sit; defiantly yet uninterested.

When you have mastered this, the natural next step is the drive-thru. The key to this is to mutter in an inaudible mush of babel and non-sense. The best drive-thru operators cause the customers to contemplate the ethnicity of the employee until they pull up to the first window. This is especially important while you are repeating the order back to the customer, that makes the above step easier.

The final step is understanding condiments. If a person goes out of their way to ask for ketchup it is imperative that you give them no more than two packets. If, however, the person asks for no condiments then you must unload over twenty packets into their bag before you hand it off to them. Perhaps the best example of this practice happened to me last week at a Wendy’s when I ordered a salad and was given a number of ketchup packets. This was top notch work by that employee, hopefully he was soon to be a manager at this particular Wendy’s establishment.

If you have perfected these steps then there may be a fast food job waiting for you. If, however, you are too articulate or too clean then you may need to look elsewhere and hope that this economy turns around soon.

Growing Up

1 04 2010

There are a few things that happen to us when we grow up. Our tastes change, you never hear a child complain because something is “too sweet.” When you are a kid you cannot get enough sugar: candy, ice cream, cake; when I was a kid I even had friends who would eat pure cane sugar out of the little packets on restaurant tables. By the time you become an adult this type of behavior disgusts you, and by the time you get into your senior years you are watering down your fruit juices.

When you are a kid, cartoons make perfect sense. Nonsense creatures with names impossible to pronounce prancing around and singing bizarre songs, this is entertaining to children. By the time you grow up it takes your full attention to follow an episode of LOST. When you are a little kid Family Circus cartoons are funny, then they are not funny for about twenty years, but once you reach middle age the Family Circus cartoons become funny again.

Somethings, however, stay the same. For instance, when you are young you are very concerned about fitting in. Young people want to be normal, when you get older you are very concerned about staying regular. In order to fit in you will buy anything you need be normal. When you are old you buy anything you can to keep yourself regular.

You spend your entire childhood dreaming of what you will be when you grow up, and when you get old you spend your time reminiscing about when you were young. Growing up is no fun.