What is the World Cup?

16 06 2010

Urinal Stylings

14 06 2010

Go into any public men’s restroom and and you will see a multitude of different styles for using the urinal on display. Every man has their go-to move but occasionally various factors, or just the need for a change, will force you to consider a different urinal approach. Here is an easy guide with some of the most common urinal styles.

(Note: These were taken in front of a bedroom wall because, like a good art museum, the use of flash photography is highly frowned upon in public restrooms.)

The Focus

All hands on deck, eyes down, attention focused on the task at hand. This style rarely results in missing the target. This is great for a crowded bathroom where closely positioned foreign feet can cause a miss to have disastrous endings. The only down side is both hands are subjected to possible splash-back.

The One Hander

This should only be used by more advanced users, this is not recommended for children or recently transformed transgenders. This allows for a high level of control while still allowing one to look cool and relaxed. Also, only one hand is subjected to possible splash-back.

The Relaxer

This is a person who is way too trusting of public restroom janitorial staffs or who is so worn out that they do not have the energy to concern themselves with forearm hygiene. I don’t recommend this for anyone who could possibly afford the energy to stay upright.

The Conversationalist

This style is great for those looking to make everyone around him uncomfortable, especially the person with whom he is engaged in conversation with. This style leads to little regard for aim, it is highly susceptible to the occasional wall-spray.

The Assume the Position

This requires a good solid base, it is very steady because the urinator has four points of contact to support himself. This prevents him from misses due to intoxication. This is also the most accurate of the no handed styles because the power stance forces a stationary position on the urinator.

The Look Ma, No Hands

Throw modesty to the wind and use this superhero-esque pose if you are an extremely confident and flashy urinator. This man has little to hide must have some hip flexibility to be able to adjust the stream correctly to avoid splash back. Use this in an extremely crowded or close-quartered bathroom and you run the risk of being the “cocky pisser” of the bathroom.

The Peek-a-Boo (aka. The Howdy Doody Partner)

This is extremely frowned upon outside of well-established gay bars, even in gay bars it is seen as “a bit forward.” This man is very insecure about himself and is constantly comparing himself to others. This style runs the risk of a punch in the face from the violated neighbor, or, if one were to make this mistake against a short tempered veteran of the bathroom, he risks splash-back or a direct stream to the face. This, however, is very rare.

The Upward Dog

Named after the yoga position, this person lifts a leg just as a dog does to mark his territory. This is a fairly arrogant style under any circumstances, rarely is it socially acceptable. This should also only be attempted by those with exceptional balance as getting even the slightest bit tipsy could lead to embarrassment for you and a disaster for the janitorial staff.

The Showin’ Off (aka. The More Realistic Sprinkler)

A variation on the classic dance move ‘the sprinkler.’ This is absolutely uncalled for unless you are performing public urination stunts. This should never be used in a public bathroom. It can, on occasion, be used if urinating outdoors, but even then it should be done with great care. To ensure safety, try a few dry runs first. When performing, you should wear dark pants because of the unpredictability of the stream. The most important thing to remember, centrifugal force is you friend.

The Sway

(Click image to see in action)

Two hands allows for good accuracy while the sway is a great cure for bathroom boredom during some of those more extended visits. I encourage you to make shapes if you need or just play with the audibleĀ  pitch changes resulting from the swaying.

Here is a non-exhaustive list of some of the classic styles. Make sure to not attempt something outside of your skill range as this could end in frustration, injury and damp pants. Remember, practice makes perfect.