The Devil Files for Bankruptcy

28 07 2010

Hell/Detroit (AP) – Wall Street got some startling news yesterday when it was announced that Satan would be filing for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. When asked about the decision Satan told reporters “I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”

Reports had been circling for the past month of Lucifer’s financial trouble when people claimed to see the Devil challenging passersby while playing a golden fiddle somewhere in Georgia and accepting wagers of both souls and cash. This was followed by reports four days ago of New Yorkers claiming to see the Prince of Darkness buying knockoff Prada apparel on Canal Street.

Beelzebub’s financial woes culminated this week when he defaulted on a loan he had made with Justin Bieber. Satan failed to pay a sum of $197,000 dollars due to Bieber in exchange for his soul upon Bieber’s 30th birthday.

Celebrities are speaking out on the shocking news of Satan’s bankruptcy. Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger said he felt some “sympathy for the Devil.” While former Van Halen lead singer David Lee Roth said he had not noticed nor heard any mention of fiscal problems during his weekly jogging sessions with Lucifer. “I spent quality time running with the Devil and he never said anything about needing money” Roth recalled.

There was some concern that Hell was going to be foreclosed, however it turned out just to be a Wells Fargo destination meeting. However, the Dark Lord has had some trouble in the past with real estate finances. It is well documented that Satan found himself upside down on some lakefront property he owned surrounding the Lake of Fire.

The one thing the Prince of Darkness does have going for him is the excellent legal representation he has surrounded himself with.


Monster Ink

18 07 2010

There has been a lot of news this week about ‘el Chupacabra,’ otherwise known as ‘the Goat Sucker.’ El Chupacabra has been referred to as “the Latino bigfoot” and this got me thinking, Americans need a better fictional creature that crazy people claim to see in our forests and countrysides. To be honest, the North American Bigfoot is kind of a wuss.

The Goat Sucker has a terrifying name, and it is reported to maim livestock by tearing them limb from limb. The Asians have the abominable snowman who, despite the wilderness cred (street cred for monsters) hit he took by appearing in Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer movies, still has the word abominable in his name. The Bigfoot is not intimidating; he is best known for a feature that, if the rumors were true, would mean he is simply the most well endowed monster we have seen.  The Goat Sucker is out there dismembering livestock and our Bigfoot is spotted picking berries and leaving footprints that cause scientists to wonder if the true  monstrosity is in the animal’s proverbial pants.

I knew that the Bigfoot had jumped the shark when I saw an episode of Monster Quest where scientists, supposedly with PhD’s, tried to attract a Bigfoot by hanging CD’s on trees throughout the forest. This painted the picture of a monster walking through the forest with a walkman, seeing a collection of CD’s and going “Whoa! Hold the phone; is that… is that Lady Gaga’s Fame Monster? JACKPOT!”

Since the Bigfoot is obviously a wimp, here are some other monsters that I encourage you to tell your local television station you saw roaming through your back yard:

  • The Philosophical Man-Ape (Ape-istotle)
    • Resides in quaint, rarely visited forests in the Pacific Northwest and Alaska.
    • Description: A deaf and very clumsy beast, the philosophical man-ape is constantly slipping and falling in the woods while no one is around to hear him fall, but does he make a sound? Also, it devours souls and eats babies.

  • The Where Wolf
    • Resides in confusing intersections and crossroads along country highways in the mid-west.
    • Description: An overgrown wolf with a terrible sense of direction. The where wolf is constantly trying to find his way but is consistently in need of direction. Those who point him in the wrong direction are likely to lose an arm.

  • The Hare Krishna
    • Resides in airports across the nation.
    • Description: An enormous rabbit that wears an orange robe and hands out flowers to passersby. It does not kill anyone but people will do more to avoid it than other monsters because weird cults make people uncomfortable.

I encourage all of you to go out and claim to see these monsters, call the police to report sightings; they really love doing paperwork on fictional monsters. This will finally bring some credibility back to monsters in America.

From the Historical Craigslist Archieves

9 07 2010