Monster Ink

18 07 2010

There has been a lot of news this week about ‘el Chupacabra,’ otherwise known as ‘the Goat Sucker.’ El Chupacabra has been referred to as “the Latino bigfoot” and this got me thinking, Americans need a better fictional creature that crazy people claim to see in our forests and countrysides. To be honest, the North American Bigfoot is kind of a wuss.

The Goat Sucker has a terrifying name, and it is reported to maim livestock by tearing them limb from limb. The Asians have the abominable snowman who, despite the wilderness cred (street cred for monsters) hit he took by appearing in Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer movies, still has the word abominable in his name. The Bigfoot is not intimidating; he is best known for a feature that, if the rumors were true, would mean he is simply the most well endowed monster we have seen.  The Goat Sucker is out there dismembering livestock and our Bigfoot is spotted picking berries and leaving footprints that cause scientists to wonder if the true  monstrosity is in the animal’s proverbial pants.

I knew that the Bigfoot had jumped the shark when I saw an episode of Monster Quest where scientists, supposedly with PhD’s, tried to attract a Bigfoot by hanging CD’s on trees throughout the forest. This painted the picture of a monster walking through the forest with a walkman, seeing a collection of CD’s and going “Whoa! Hold the phone; is that… is that Lady Gaga’s Fame Monster? JACKPOT!”

Since the Bigfoot is obviously a wimp, here are some other monsters that I encourage you to tell your local television station you saw roaming through your back yard:

  • The Philosophical Man-Ape (Ape-istotle)
    • Resides in quaint, rarely visited forests in the Pacific Northwest and Alaska.
    • Description: A deaf and very clumsy beast, the philosophical man-ape is constantly slipping and falling in the woods while no one is around to hear him fall, but does he make a sound? Also, it devours souls and eats babies.

  • The Where Wolf
    • Resides in confusing intersections and crossroads along country highways in the mid-west.
    • Description: An overgrown wolf with a terrible sense of direction. The where wolf is constantly trying to find his way but is consistently in need of direction. Those who point him in the wrong direction are likely to lose an arm.

  • The Hare Krishna
    • Resides in airports across the nation.
    • Description: An enormous rabbit that wears an orange robe and hands out flowers to passersby. It does not kill anyone but people will do more to avoid it than other monsters because weird cults make people uncomfortable.

I encourage all of you to go out and claim to see these monsters, call the police to report sightings; they really love doing paperwork on fictional monsters. This will finally bring some credibility back to monsters in America.




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