Hell/Detroit (AP) – Wall Street got some startling news yesterday when it was announced that Satan would be filing for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. When asked about the decision Satan told reporters “I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”
Reports had been circling for the past month of Lucifer’s financial trouble when people claimed to see the Devil challenging passersby while playing a golden fiddle somewhere in Georgia and accepting wagers of both souls and cash. This was followed by reports four days ago of New Yorkers claiming to see the Prince of Darkness buying knockoff Prada apparel on Canal Street.
Beelzebub’s financial woes culminated this week when he defaulted on a loan he had made with Justin Bieber. Satan failed to pay a sum of $197,000 dollars due to Bieber in exchange for his soul upon Bieber’s 30th birthday.
Celebrities are speaking out on the shocking news of Satan’s bankruptcy. Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger said he felt some “sympathy for the Devil.” While former Van Halen lead singer David Lee Roth said he had not noticed nor heard any mention of fiscal problems during his weekly jogging sessions with Lucifer. “I spent quality time running with the Devil and he never said anything about needing money” Roth recalled.
There was some concern that Hell was going to be foreclosed, however it turned out just to be a Wells Fargo destination meeting. However, the Dark Lord has had some trouble in the past with real estate finances. It is well documented that Satan found himself upside down on some lakefront property he owned surrounding the Lake of Fire.
The one thing the Prince of Darkness does have going for him is the excellent legal representation he has surrounded himself with.