Pete The Prognosticator

24 11 2010

Many people are familiar with the prophecies of Nostradamus, however, few are familiar with the works of his younger brother Pete. While Nostradamus is so often credited with the predictions of major travesties like the reign of Hitler or the Kennedy assassination, Pete’s prophecies, while stunningly accurate, are substantially less impressive as they accurately depict very mundane features of modern life.

The most common example academics typically point to is this quatrain: “The small Deborah fills the Danish with paste.” Most recognize this as the foresight of a crème filled Little Debbie snack. However, there are dissenters, small groups believe that this quatrain refers to an early episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond” where Ray’s wife Deborah attempts to make a dessert. Still there is a handful of historians that believe this was a premonition referring to an invasion of Denmark led by the German General D. Borha, this makes sense because General Borha led an abnormally pale group of pasty white infantry, also, they glued all of the POW’s mouths shut with Elmer’s school paste.

Perhaps the most impressive of Pete’s foretelling comes from his work titled People will love Regis Philbin, and other predictions, from the future. in quatrains 4-9:

The boss rises to the dusk, but is without words
He will return in the dawn and rest with similar sentiments
Weary is the boss, weary and disinterested with himself
He will be in need of assistance.
The boss will be unable to ignite an inferno devoid of a flash
The weaponry will be employable despite the boss rollicking in a place without light.

This passage is particularly notable because Pete seems to author the first verse and chorus of ‘Dancing in the Dark’ by Bruce Springsteen almost a half millennium before Springsteen popularized the song.

These are perhaps the most impressive of his predictions, but they are just the beginning of a seemingly limitless list of prognostications. For instance, quatrain 12 “The men of light red hue are named Floyd and harmonize as light erupts through the artificial sky,” is almost certainly in reference to the popularity of laser light shows in planetariums set to a Pink Floyd soundtrack. Another hotly debated verse: “The four will be apprehended based on biblical law, former friends will turn on them, and they will be imprisoned.” This was originally accepted as a prediction of the four man plot to assassinate Abraham Lincoln and other high ranking officials, the biblical law being “Thou Shalt Not Kill.” However, most experts now agree that this was foretelling the finale episode of Seinfeld, where the four main characters are captured for breaking the ‘Good Samaritan’ law and former characters from the show testify against them until they are thrown in jail.

While not as heralded as his brother, Pete is vastly underrated in the world of prognostication; hopefully he will one day receive the recognition he truly deserves.


Meeting of my Mind

18 11 2010

I was standing in the grocery store trying to picture what it would be like to not have an imagination. I looked over to say something to my existentialist real estate agent, he sold real estate but the estates were only real to him. I was distracted and my mind started to wander while I was keeping an open mind, and when I turned back around I had lost my mind. I turned to the real estate agent and said, “I lost my mind.” He asked me “where was the last place you put it?” I tried to think about it but I was coming up blank, because my mind was gone.

I tried to use my subconscious to figure out where my conscious mind was, but I ended up just getting very self-conscience because I could not longer distinguish between right and wrong since my conscious had taken my conscience with it. All of that would have confused me but I didn’t have a brain at the time to get confused.

Lucky for me I, when I was a child I had an irrational paranoia that the CIA had not put a computer chip in my brain and I was afraid to jog my memory for fear that it would run away. In order to calm my fears, my therapist put a tracking device in my head. Using a GPS I was able to find brain, a wind had caught my brain and I had to climb up on my roof and get my mind out of the gutter. After the reverse lobotomy I was back in my right mind. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, don’t let yours wander unless you are keeping a close eye on it. But, if you do lose your mind, take the opportunity to pick someone else’s brain for a little bit.