Jokes

These are some one-liners, or two liners or three liners:

  • Shouldn’t a taxidermist and a bill collector switch titles? A bill collector deals with taxes and a taxidermist collects things with bills.
  • I had an invisible girlfriend but we broke up, we never got to see each other. I tried an inflatable girlfriend but she was a real airhead.
  • The weatherman told me that we were about to have a new moon, but this one looks the same as the old one.
  • I donated plasma, two more visits and I will be able to make a TV screen.
  • Who plays BALCO in company softball?
  • If you finish valedictorian of your class at proctology school, you really are at the top of the bottom. If you finish last you have mastered the bottom, and isn’t that really what you set out to do.
  • How did they spell check the first dictionary? maybe that is why pterodactyl starts with a p.
  • If our paper money has George on the 1, Abe on the 5, Alexander on the 10, Andrew on the 20… why are they called dollar bills?
  • If you dress as a prostitute for Halloween the difference between turning tricks and giving treats really just becomes a cost differential.
  • I used to work at Subway as a “sandwich artist” and some places are calling their employees “sandwich architects” like they went to sandwich school for many years. “I am studying hamburgers, I am going to be a patti-atrictian” “Oh really? I am studying to become a gyro-cologist.”
  • Is the tectonic plate under China nicer than the others? Is it only used on special occasions?
  • If we have the constitutional right to “freedom of assembly” then why does it cost more to buy something fully assembled?
  • No shoes, No shirt, No service. The constitution gives us the right to bear arms so why not bare feet?
  • If a lassiez-faire style government is when the government has no control over the economy, then when the government has no control over the production of Italian food is that a Lasagna-faire?
  • I find the double quarter pounder insulting, does McDonalds think we aren’t smart enough to reduce the fraction?
  • What is the pull of devil worship? “Our afterlife always has warm weather, the day it is cold is the day Hell freezes over.”
  • Where are the other sides of the food pyramid?
  • I got a volumizing shampoo with cocoa butter extract, i got out of the shower with cocoa puffs on my head.
  • Why is a crazy person said to be out of their right mind? The left brain is responsible for logic and rationale, shouldn’t a crazy person be out of their left mind?
  • Sometimes, things seem to be better on paper than they are in real life. Consider the scratch and sniff. When you scratch and sniff something on paper it is fun; but when I scratch and sniff anything in public it is seen as inappropriate and rude.
  • The man seemed oddly courageous, despite the fact that he had jaundice on his stomach.
  • It is weird that some women can be so obtuse and a cute at the same time.
  • Many nutritionists say “A colorful plate is a healthy plate.” May I point to a bowl of M&M’s.
  • I set a stool softener on a bar stool and in a few hours I had a bean bag chair.
  • I was trying to make soup, I messed up, so I just took a mulligantawny.
  • Why are you encouraged to give someone a hand but it is wrong to give someone the finger. You are giving them the same appendage.
  • If you go to Rome and all of the Romans jump off of a bridge, what do you do?
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