The Story of a Blessing

5 08 2010

He was born ten months premature, and widely referred to as a miracle beyond science. His parents decided to name him Blessing, and they gave thanks for their small Blessing. His father was always skeptical about his conception and never fully embraced the child as his own. He was the youngest of 12 children and his parents were constantly struggling to keep up with all of them. Blessing grew up like any normal child until age 10, when his family visited the zoo. They spent the entire day roaming to zoo and corralling the children. Upon arriving home, Blessing’s parents called all of the children to the family room, that is when Blessing’s mother realized she had only returned with 11 children. When she brought the situation to her husband’s attention he asked “are you sure, did you make sure to count YOUR Blessing?” He asked sarcastically.

His mother drove frantically back to the zoo and asked the first employee she found the whereabouts of her child. “Do you have my Blessing?” She inquired. She sprinted through the zoo until she stumbled upon a startling sight. She looked in the lion’s cage and saw her youngest son, dawning a fake mane and lion outfit from the gift shop. She was concerned but relieved when she had finally found her Blessing in disguise. The mother instinctively cried out to the leader of the pride: “you have my Blessing.” The boy was returned to his mother and once again euphoric to have received her Blessing.


The Devil Files for Bankruptcy

28 07 2010

Hell/Detroit (AP) – Wall Street got some startling news yesterday when it was announced that Satan would be filing for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. When asked about the decision Satan told reporters “I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”

Reports had been circling for the past month of Lucifer’s financial trouble when people claimed to see the Devil challenging passersby while playing a golden fiddle somewhere in Georgia and accepting wagers of both souls and cash. This was followed by reports four days ago of New Yorkers claiming to see the Prince of Darkness buying knockoff Prada apparel on Canal Street.

Beelzebub’s financial woes culminated this week when he defaulted on a loan he had made with Justin Bieber. Satan failed to pay a sum of $197,000 dollars due to Bieber in exchange for his soul upon Bieber’s 30th birthday.

Celebrities are speaking out on the shocking news of Satan’s bankruptcy. Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger said he felt some “sympathy for the Devil.” While former Van Halen lead singer David Lee Roth said he had not noticed nor heard any mention of fiscal problems during his weekly jogging sessions with Lucifer. “I spent quality time running with the Devil and he never said anything about needing money” Roth recalled.

There was some concern that Hell was going to be foreclosed, however it turned out just to be a Wells Fargo destination meeting. However, the Dark Lord has had some trouble in the past with real estate finances. It is well documented that Satan found himself upside down on some lakefront property he owned surrounding the Lake of Fire.

The one thing the Prince of Darkness does have going for him is the excellent legal representation he has surrounded himself with.

Monster Ink

18 07 2010

There has been a lot of news this week about ‘el Chupacabra,’ otherwise known as ‘the Goat Sucker.’ El Chupacabra has been referred to as “the Latino bigfoot” and this got me thinking, Americans need a better fictional creature that crazy people claim to see in our forests and countrysides. To be honest, the North American Bigfoot is kind of a wuss.

The Goat Sucker has a terrifying name, and it is reported to maim livestock by tearing them limb from limb. The Asians have the abominable snowman who, despite the wilderness cred (street cred for monsters) hit he took by appearing in Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer movies, still has the word abominable in his name. The Bigfoot is not intimidating; he is best known for a feature that, if the rumors were true, would mean he is simply the most well endowed monster we have seen.  The Goat Sucker is out there dismembering livestock and our Bigfoot is spotted picking berries and leaving footprints that cause scientists to wonder if the true  monstrosity is in the animal’s proverbial pants.

I knew that the Bigfoot had jumped the shark when I saw an episode of Monster Quest where scientists, supposedly with PhD’s, tried to attract a Bigfoot by hanging CD’s on trees throughout the forest. This painted the picture of a monster walking through the forest with a walkman, seeing a collection of CD’s and going “Whoa! Hold the phone; is that… is that Lady Gaga’s Fame Monster? JACKPOT!”

Since the Bigfoot is obviously a wimp, here are some other monsters that I encourage you to tell your local television station you saw roaming through your back yard:

  • The Philosophical Man-Ape (Ape-istotle)
    • Resides in quaint, rarely visited forests in the Pacific Northwest and Alaska.
    • Description: A deaf and very clumsy beast, the philosophical man-ape is constantly slipping and falling in the woods while no one is around to hear him fall, but does he make a sound? Also, it devours souls and eats babies.

  • The Where Wolf
    • Resides in confusing intersections and crossroads along country highways in the mid-west.
    • Description: An overgrown wolf with a terrible sense of direction. The where wolf is constantly trying to find his way but is consistently in need of direction. Those who point him in the wrong direction are likely to lose an arm.

  • The Hare Krishna
    • Resides in airports across the nation.
    • Description: An enormous rabbit that wears an orange robe and hands out flowers to passersby. It does not kill anyone but people will do more to avoid it than other monsters because weird cults make people uncomfortable.

I encourage all of you to go out and claim to see these monsters, call the police to report sightings; they really love doing paperwork on fictional monsters. This will finally bring some credibility back to monsters in America.

From the Historical Craigslist Archieves

9 07 2010

What is the World Cup?

16 06 2010

Urinal Stylings

14 06 2010

Go into any public men’s restroom and and you will see a multitude of different styles for using the urinal on display. Every man has their go-to move but occasionally various factors, or just the need for a change, will force you to consider a different urinal approach. Here is an easy guide with some of the most common urinal styles.

(Note: These were taken in front of a bedroom wall because, like a good art museum, the use of flash photography is highly frowned upon in public restrooms.)

The Focus

All hands on deck, eyes down, attention focused on the task at hand. This style rarely results in missing the target. This is great for a crowded bathroom where closely positioned foreign feet can cause a miss to have disastrous endings. The only down side is both hands are subjected to possible splash-back.

The One Hander

This should only be used by more advanced users, this is not recommended for children or recently transformed transgenders. This allows for a high level of control while still allowing one to look cool and relaxed. Also, only one hand is subjected to possible splash-back.

The Relaxer

This is a person who is way too trusting of public restroom janitorial staffs or who is so worn out that they do not have the energy to concern themselves with forearm hygiene. I don’t recommend this for anyone who could possibly afford the energy to stay upright.

The Conversationalist

This style is great for those looking to make everyone around him uncomfortable, especially the person with whom he is engaged in conversation with. This style leads to little regard for aim, it is highly susceptible to the occasional wall-spray.

The Assume the Position

This requires a good solid base, it is very steady because the urinator has four points of contact to support himself. This prevents him from misses due to intoxication. This is also the most accurate of the no handed styles because the power stance forces a stationary position on the urinator.

The Look Ma, No Hands

Throw modesty to the wind and use this superhero-esque pose if you are an extremely confident and flashy urinator. This man has little to hide must have some hip flexibility to be able to adjust the stream correctly to avoid splash back. Use this in an extremely crowded or close-quartered bathroom and you run the risk of being the “cocky pisser” of the bathroom.

The Peek-a-Boo (aka. The Howdy Doody Partner)

This is extremely frowned upon outside of well-established gay bars, even in gay bars it is seen as “a bit forward.” This man is very insecure about himself and is constantly comparing himself to others. This style runs the risk of a punch in the face from the violated neighbor, or, if one were to make this mistake against a short tempered veteran of the bathroom, he risks splash-back or a direct stream to the face. This, however, is very rare.

The Upward Dog

Named after the yoga position, this person lifts a leg just as a dog does to mark his territory. This is a fairly arrogant style under any circumstances, rarely is it socially acceptable. This should also only be attempted by those with exceptional balance as getting even the slightest bit tipsy could lead to embarrassment for you and a disaster for the janitorial staff.

The Showin’ Off (aka. The More Realistic Sprinkler)

A variation on the classic dance move ‘the sprinkler.’ This is absolutely uncalled for unless you are performing public urination stunts. This should never be used in a public bathroom. It can, on occasion, be used if urinating outdoors, but even then it should be done with great care. To ensure safety, try a few dry runs first. When performing, you should wear dark pants because of the unpredictability of the stream. The most important thing to remember, centrifugal force is you friend.

The Sway

(Click image to see in action)

Two hands allows for good accuracy while the sway is a great cure for bathroom boredom during some of those more extended visits. I encourage you to make shapes if you need or just play with the audible  pitch changes resulting from the swaying.

Here is a non-exhaustive list of some of the classic styles. Make sure to not attempt something outside of your skill range as this could end in frustration, injury and damp pants. Remember, practice makes perfect.

Up and Adam in the Morning

27 05 2010