How to Get to the White House

The first step to getting to the White House is to take the following quiz:

Do about half of the people you meet believe you will lead to the downfall of America?  Y  N

Do the other half of the people you meet believe every word you say, regardless of its validity?  Y  N

Are you able to lie effectively about your plans for the future?  Y  N

Can you easily convince people that another person is a demonic spawn?  Y  N

Do you look trustworthy?  Y  N

Are you able to aimlessly ramble for 30+ minutes without answering the question at hand?  Y  N

Do you find it morally acceptable to pay off another person’s friends to destroy their character? Y  N

Do you love America?  Y  N

Do you make your love of your country painfully obvious to anyone you talk to?  Y  N

Do you have a friend (regardless of intelligence or qualifications) with influence in a swing state?  Y  N

If you answered yes to all of the following continue to section 1, if you answered no to any of the following skip ahead to section 2

Section 1

Congratulations, you have the qualifications necessary to become President of the United States. The first step you will need to take is to invest in a morally reprehensible company, this will allow you to make enough money to run for United States Senate. After a few grueling sessions in the Senate you can begin throwing your name around at your party’s national convention. After you spend a few national conventions building your name recognition you are ready for your first presidential primary run. This will probably be a failure, but after your 2nd or 3rd try at it you may actually win the primary and get/be forced to run for President. This is a one time opportunity, after you lose the first time, repeated attempts make you seem Nader-ish, very unappealing to all but 1% of America. However, your chance at the White House is not over.

If you become devious enough, and are able to lie and cheat well enough, then you may be considered as a vice-presidential candidate. You won’t technically get to live in the White House but you can go over every Super Bowl Sunday, plus you are one “accident” away from living there yourself.

Section 2

I am sorry but you do not seem to have the qualifications to become President of the United States. But, you are still in luck. Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin have both broken new ground for women in politics and have now made it plausible that you can become a first spouse if you are male or female. Women, look for a man who measures well on the quiz above, the marriage will be miserable until that fateful day when you become the first lady. If this doesn’t work, are you opposed to having  an affair with the world’s most powerful man? For men, look for women who seem charming but will stab anyone in the back, also required, the love of pant suits.