Lesser Philosophical Writings

13 09 2010

The Missing Shade of Brown – David Hume

In the much-less-researched sister paper to his most famous idea “The Missing Shade of Blue,” that discussed Hume’s view of epistemology (he also drafted a work about shades of urine called ‘I-pissed-my-ology’), Hume writes about trying to describe the color of a rather intense bowel movement to his friends.

“Many will try to convince you to believe that all ideas are copied of similar impressions, however, I present a countering example. Upon ingesting sizeable portions of economically priced Mexican food I rushed to the restroom to defecate. Following this event, I was attempting to describe the elimination to a group of my colleagues and, though my colleagues had never seen this specific shade of fecal matter, I was able to tell them that the color lay somewhere along the gradient between deep bean burrito mahogany and foul hot-wing chestnut. Given only these two parameters, my colleagues were able to vividly picture the color, shade and hue of my elimination, despite the fact that they had never seen this specific shade of brown but were able to picture a shade of brown born not from recollection, but conceived merely by their own minds.”

The AIM – Plato

Here Socrates engages in a format, similar to the Republic, where he attempts to engage multiple other philosophers. Although this dialogue, unlike others, takes place in an AIM chat room, some philosophy historians believe it to be the alone@home room.

Socrates: Would it be fair to you well-minded men, to say that the appetitive part of the soul is that which lusts after, and seeks the pleasures of the body?
Blondebabe43: Where’s all the cute boys at?
Vrbrian222: 16/m any ladies wanna chat wit me?
Brooklynswagga212: Hey peoples!!!!!!!!
Blueeyesx119: 22/F lookin for a hot guy to chat
Socrates: What a clever way of consenting to my notions regarding the appetitive soul
Sweetannie19: hey guys a/s?
Hunk_henry: 22/m
Freddie2120: 14/m
Socrates: Forget this, you idiots aren’t helping at all
Socrates: 52/m

The Afterlife of God – Friedrich Nietzsche

Many people know the famous line for Nietzsche “God is dead,” but few know the full context of the line as it is presented in ‘The Afterlife of God.’

“God is dead, but I think he went to God heaven. He was a pretty good God. I bet His son takes over the family divinity; the Holy Spirit will probably cry nepotism though.”





Monster Ink

18 07 2010

There has been a lot of news this week about ‘el Chupacabra,’ otherwise known as ‘the Goat Sucker.’ El Chupacabra has been referred to as “the Latino bigfoot” and this got me thinking, Americans need a better fictional creature that crazy people claim to see in our forests and countrysides. To be honest, the North American Bigfoot is kind of a wuss.

The Goat Sucker has a terrifying name, and it is reported to maim livestock by tearing them limb from limb. The Asians have the abominable snowman who, despite the wilderness cred (street cred for monsters) hit he took by appearing in Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer movies, still has the word abominable in his name. The Bigfoot is not intimidating; he is best known for a feature that, if the rumors were true, would mean he is simply the most well endowed monster we have seen.  The Goat Sucker is out there dismembering livestock and our Bigfoot is spotted picking berries and leaving footprints that cause scientists to wonder if the true  monstrosity is in the animal’s proverbial pants.

I knew that the Bigfoot had jumped the shark when I saw an episode of Monster Quest where scientists, supposedly with PhD’s, tried to attract a Bigfoot by hanging CD’s on trees throughout the forest. This painted the picture of a monster walking through the forest with a walkman, seeing a collection of CD’s and going “Whoa! Hold the phone; is that… is that Lady Gaga’s Fame Monster? JACKPOT!”

Since the Bigfoot is obviously a wimp, here are some other monsters that I encourage you to tell your local television station you saw roaming through your back yard:

  • The Philosophical Man-Ape (Ape-istotle)
    • Resides in quaint, rarely visited forests in the Pacific Northwest and Alaska.
    • Description: A deaf and very clumsy beast, the philosophical man-ape is constantly slipping and falling in the woods while no one is around to hear him fall, but does he make a sound? Also, it devours souls and eats babies.

  • The Where Wolf
    • Resides in confusing intersections and crossroads along country highways in the mid-west.
    • Description: An overgrown wolf with a terrible sense of direction. The where wolf is constantly trying to find his way but is consistently in need of direction. Those who point him in the wrong direction are likely to lose an arm.

  • The Hare Krishna
    • Resides in airports across the nation.
    • Description: An enormous rabbit that wears an orange robe and hands out flowers to passersby. It does not kill anyone but people will do more to avoid it than other monsters because weird cults make people uncomfortable.

I encourage all of you to go out and claim to see these monsters, call the police to report sightings; they really love doing paperwork on fictional monsters. This will finally bring some credibility back to monsters in America.





Philosophy of Walmart

24 04 2010

I was in Wal-Mart recently and, as I was leaving, I saw a sign on the back of the entrance door that said “Do Not Enter.” I found that rather interesting.

Initially, I thought, ‘Well, the other side of that door seems quite contradictory to this bold statement.’ To say that a door is not an entrance seems oddly inefficient in terms of the use you could be getting out of the door. It also raises a larger question, can a door ever just be an entrance or an exit? If you think about it, you can’t really leave anywhere without entering somewhere else.

Then it occurred to me, could this be part of Wal-Mart trying to influence the way we think? Is it possible that this is a sub-conscious attempt to try to keep us from associating leaving Wally World with the sense of relief that we usually feel when we walk through those automatic sliding doors to reenter society and take that first breath of air that does not smell as if it were recently emitted from someone. Instead, Wal-Mart is trying to get us to frame this experience as leaving the great world of rolled back prices and boundless hopes and dreams, for a boring parking lot, a world with soul-crushing responsibilities and boring 9-5 jobs.

Or maybe I am just reading too much into this…